"Here. Take my umbrella."

Chapter 2

          It's like a deep pitting sadness in my heart. Some people say that... when their loved one dies, it takes a part of the person with them. Eddie Kaspbrak took the whole thing. He took all of Richie Tozier with him. And all that's left is this empty shell of mine. That wants to drink. Drink at my problems until they go away. Until the memories of Eddie Kaspbrak that always flood my mind, wash away and I feel numb. Temporarily numb. The beginning. that was when everything was great. When life was great. When I had everything going for me even though I didn't. Sure, I was a fuckin loser. But I at least had Eddie. I saw him almost every day and and we'd go on walks together. We'd talk for hours and play board games. We'd play hide and seek and we drew on the sidewalk with chalk. We bonded. We grew up together. We helped each other through our ups and downs with family. We provided comfort for each other when we needed it. It's so fucking hard to talk to or even see the other losers. Because all I see is that Eddie is not there. He was my best friend. Even if I annoyed him, he was there for me when nobody else could be. One of the many great qualities about him. His loyalty and how much he cared. I need him more than anything and he's not fucking here. People try to cheer me up. They do. And I appreciate it. But it's not that easy. It's the fact that I live in a world without Eddie Kaspbrak. You could provide me with one hundred billion dollars, and all the friends in the world. All the food. But it won't be as good. Nothing compares to Edward Kaspbrak. Absolutely

nothing.

          It's not that easy to just forget about how the love of my life, the one friend I grew up with, who made my life worth living, who's nervous and panicked rambling brought a smile to my face. Who, in addition to the other losers, made me feel as though I belong somewhere. I don't belong anywhere now. To say I feel empty... is an understatement. There isn't a SINGLE FUCKING SECOND where I don't think about what I've lost for my life to take a 180 like this. I lost the puzzle piece. My life was a difficult puzzle to figure out. I tried out a few different pieces, all I needed was one more to complete the puzzle. Before I found that piece- that piece that was Eddie, each piece before that wasn't right. It didn't fit the puzzle. And then I found him. Eddie. He was soaking wet. Like a drowned rat. I figured, hey, his day looked like it just turned to shit, the least I can do is give him my umbrella. Eddie was that puzzle piece I had been looking for. Just what I needed. He completed me. Whether that means just as best friends, or something more, it didn't matter. It doesn't matter. It was never anything more than boys being boys. Best friends being best friends. He'd never return my feelings anyway. I was too annoying to him. I'd probably end up driving Eds crazy. And in a homophobic town like Derry, there was a fat chance anything would ever happen. If I confessed my feelings, he'd probably hate me. Distance himself from me. And that is way too difficult for me to deal with. I can't be away from Eddie. My birdie.

          Getting up to answer my problems of sorrow, I solve it all in the exact same way mentioned before. Get up, go to the fridge. Grab the whiskey. Down that, beer is next. I need him. I cried enough after he died to last about a fuckin year and I'm still broken. It's a certain kind of sadness. The sadness that you get when someone dies- especially Eddie, is like no other kind of sadness. It's a kind of numbness. A void. I told him absolutely everything. My deepest secrets and my personal information. He knew me like nobody else did. In no other way. If it weren't for Eddie Kaspbrak, I wouldn't have discovered myself, and know who I really am. He helped me realize that, even though he's gone, I can accept myself for who I am. I'm gay. There. I said it. He's not here. Or maybe he is. I was never one be into all that spiritual shit but if he's here, sometimes I think it would be better if he was just fucking dead and stayed that way. Out of my presence. It would just be a tease and I'd lose my fucking mind. If I saw him, Eddie, it would tear me up. 

          All the pictures... of his perfectly handsome face. His lips... his eyes... I didn't even notice how hard I was biting my lip until just now. Fuck. I'm crying too. Something wet dripped onto my hand and then I felt the tickling of something rolling down my cheek. Running to the bathroom, I threw up. It was awful. Dry heaving and hugging the toilet, stammering and spitting. I blurted out the only sad, anguished words in my mind. "FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! YOU TOOK HIM FROM ME! GODDAMN IT!"I'm such an ugly fuckin sobber. Wake up Tozier. He's fucking dead. The man you love is dead. "We could have saved him..." God we could have saved him. Fuck you, you fucking clown...

          I'm cleaned up now. Sitting at my kitchen table. I just hate my life. I've been sitting here for hours and hours on end. I'm tired. I think I'm gonna go to bed.