Guardian

17. If this is love, I don't want it.

Jeongyeon

I lay Sana on my lap at the backseat. I can't help but to smile as I watched her murmur incomprehensible words all through out. I let myself be indulged by the movements of her lips as if it's a blockbuster movie of the year. How did those things became so plump and appealing to my sight. I prevented myself to devour her lips by casually stroking my hand through her long soft and wavy hair. She smells like vanilla and something I can't figure out. She undeniably belongs to the girls who still smell good even after a long day. Even the smell of liquor couldn't beat her smell.

"Ahm sir, we're here." I was startled by the sudden tap of the driver. He awkwardly smiled as if he's been telling me for some quite now that we already reached our destination. I blushed in my realization.

I bowed my head as I gave him the ride fare and tried to wake Sana but instead, she clung her arms through my neck so I was left with no choice but to carry her myself.

I carried her in a bridal style and she snuggled her face to my neck sending million of voltages to every part of my system. Honestly, even I cannot understand what these feelings I am having towards this girl. I am sure I like Nayeon but this girl's presence makes me confused.

I gently lay her on a sitting position in front of our door since I need to get the key from the pot near the door. I was about to remove her hands from my neck when she opened her eyes and met mine. I don't know how long she's been staring at me but I'm sure I'm not breathing the whole time.

She gave me a very genuine and pure smile that could surely melt anyone's heart. She then traced my face using her index finger: from my eyes to my nose and she stopped on my lips. I didn't know why I am letting her do that, anticipating what would she do next. She closed her eyes again and what she did next made invisible fireworks to burst around us: She kissed me.

I closed my eyes waiting for her to take the move just like Nayeon is always doing but to my remorse, I felt how our lips lost its contact. I opened my eyes and saw Sana, with her head down and her silent snoring. Gosh, she fell asleep!!
———
I'm already lying at my bed. I'm probably the only awake soul in this house. Things that happened today didn't let me have a good night sleep.

I enjoyed the kiss when I cannot barely call it a kiss. Her lips just touched mine for merely a second or two but I cannot remove that thought from my head for hours now.

But what if she just accidentally touched my lips when she fell asleep? Argh!

I messed my hair up with the thoughts bombarding my head. I've been rolling here and there but I cannot find my spot on my bed to make me sleepy.

Sana what are you doing to me?

I sat down examining things. This is different from what I feel towards Nayeon. Nayeon makes me feel nervous, she makes my heartbeat jump up and down yeah but Sana, she could shut down my system. She could silent all the butterflies on my stomach. She makes me feel comfortable. That kiss doesn't made my heartbeat to go rapidly fast but unexpectedly calm as if I've been anticipating for that to happen all my life.

I suddenly remembered my dad's favorite lines from a writer that he used told me when he's still living. "When you think you have found the one, if your stomach turn upside down, knees trembled and you can't stop the shaking of your hands, you found the wrong one. Because when you found the one the universe had made for you, at the same time you will find inner peace, you will feel the calmness of your body as if even before you met, it was planned by your soul, written by the stars."

Could this mean that, I love her? That I found the one for me? But if this is love, I don't want it.

I am full of uncertainties while Sana, she is fragile. I know she's been hurt before and I don't want to be another soul to hurt her.

I need to make my mind. I need to settle this war going on with my mind.