Guardian

36. Invalidating Feelings

Jeongyeon.

"Babe, I want you to know something." Sana rest her hand on my leg as I drive her to the studio.

"What is it? Something's bothering you?" I asked her.

"Well, the thing is, Jungmyeon is Suho. I'll be working with my ex." I was taken aback by what I heard but I wanted to play cool. I know it's not her idea and I wanted to show her that I trust her.

"Is it okay with you?" I smiled and held her hand.

"Well, I don't have a choice and I'm worried about you." She said looking at me sincerely.

"If it's okay with you, I'm fine by it." I assured her so she hugged and thanked me.
——

The shoot started. They are being pictured separately. I admire how Sana poses like a pro now. She looks good in every angle. No pictures will be wasted.

I check my watch and decided to buy snacks. I know she would be tired and so she need something to munch after.

I told Seungyeon unnie that I will be heading out for some snacks.

When I got back, Sana and Suho are now shooting together.

The concept of the project is somewhat playful and stuff since it's a clothing line for teens.

Sana's smile is radiating. There are times Suho would whisper something and she would laugh showing her gummy. The cameraman is satisfied with the natural acting of the two. Actually, it seems to be not an acting for me. It's very natural. It makes me wonder what's he is telling Sana that she's laughing out loud.

There would be a part where physical contact couldn't be avoided, she looked at me and I just nod in approval. I don't want to give her a hard time.

They look together in every pose they make. They looked like a perfect match. They are indeed a great couple. I can't help but to feel a stab on my chest. Such a no match. I would surely stand no chance compare to him.

If ever he would decide to get Sana away from me, what will I do? Sana is with him for years. He's a man. He can give her a family. He can give her a child. I don't want to think so much ahead but I cannot help but be jealous. I wished I could be someone like him.
———————-

SANA

I thought the shoot would be a headache but no. Suho didn't do or say anything to make me feel awkward. He apologized for texting me and said he only do that to convince me since his entertainment is pushed him to do it.

The whole shoot was good. Suho kept on throwing funny jokes that makes me laugh since we need to get photos with such a happy teeny vibe. He even asked me if I remember how he slipped on the bathroom during our 3rd year in high school. That is such a funny thing to be reminded of.

Everything went smooth even the ones that would require physical contact not until I noticed that Jeongyeon walked out so I asked for a break.

I looked for her and find her on Seungyeon unnie's office.

"Done with the shoot?" She asked bitterly so I shook my head.

"You two looked good together." She tried to sound cool but it turned out to be a more bitter one.

"What are you saying?" I sat beside her and held her hand. She allowed he but she didn't held my hand back.

"You seems to be enjoying the shoot. You should go back." She said and stood.

"Hey I thought we're cool with it?" I asked her permission a while ago.

"But do you really have to laugh at whatever he is whispering when I'm literally just few steps away from you?" She blurted out. Ow, so this is where she is coming from.

"He's joking so I laugh. Sorry. What do you want to do babe. Shall we go home?" I asked. I think it's the best way so she would not get jelly.

We headed home and I just called the team that something came up so I could go back and it was rescheduled.

We talked about it and she was sorry. I assured her and we are able to settle it but that's only what I thought so.

The day of the rescheduled shoot, she didn't say a word after but she stayed distant. I tried to be sweet and stuff but she's avoiding me. She said she was just tired.

That day, I received a text from Suho and she saw it. I told her he's just thanking me for the shoot and she said it's okay but that not what's written on her face.

I tried so many times to talk to her but she always blocks me saying there's nothing wrong and everything is okay. I tried again but she got mad and shouted at me.

"I told you nothin's wrong! Stop bugging me okay?" She said and left the house.

Aish. She's not listening to me! I called Seungyeon unnie and told her what happened. She said that I need to let Jeongyeon to cool down before talking to her again. I'm worried she might get into trouble or something but she told me she knows where Jeong would probably go and she said she will take care of it.
—————

Jeongyeon

I decided to go for a drink since I need an outlet. I'm not mad at Sana and I regret shouting at her. The truth is I'm mad at myself. I'm mad that I'm not good enough for her. I'm mad that I get jealous. I'm mad that I feel envious.

I'm down with the last sip of my whiskey and the surrounding is starting to get fuzzy.

"Another bottle please?" I said to the bartender when someone spoke.

"Trying to drown yourself with whiskey huh?" It's my dear sister.

"Why do you have to pair her with him?" I bitterly asked.

"Whoa! Chill! I didn't! Why are you being sulky? I thought you're cool with it?" She asked me.

"I thought so too. I wanted to." I said pouring my glass and emptied it. "But I can't help it. I think I'm being too sensitive and I don't like it. I'm being unreasonable."

She asked the waiter for another glass and she poured our glasses. I confusedly look at her.

"You're not sensitive. If you're hurt. You're hurt. If you're jealous, you're jealous. Do not invalidate your feelings. It's not okay to be always okay with everything." She said and drank her whiskey. "Aish. I can't remember the last time I get to taste this!"

"But I don't want to be a burden to Sana. I don't want her to think I am doubting her. Besides, she never did something inappropriate. It's just me and this fucking jealousy so I'm avoiding that topic but Sana keeps on pushing it." I emptied my glass. Unnie looked at me blankly.

"I told you, do not invalidate your feelings. It's okay to speak. It's okay to be heard. I know Sana just want to make you feel better and assured." Maybe she is right. But still I don't want to talk about that with Sana.

"Let me help you. If you think your jealousy is going on board, look at Sana. Watch her if she's flirting with that dumbass. If not, I know your jealousy will be lessen. And if you see that guy getting too close, step in. Nothing's wrong with that. Stop playing nice guy roles aka Super supportive and understanding girlfriend. That doesn't suits you." She chuckled as she pats my back.

"Fuck you." I said and slapped her arm.

"You wouldn't want to. Incest!" She said and stood up. "Want me to take you home or you want to ride alone and get that face of yours got scratched off by the ground? Do you want him to look more handsome than you?" She said smirking at me. And yeah I was triggered.

"Let's go get your fucking car." I said and we head out.
——————-

[A/N: With the treats of NCoV, I prayed for the safety of everybody.]