Ties (Book 1)

19. Despicable Presence

When I woke up, I was freezing from head to toe. I had not bothered to pull up the covers, because I was too focused on covering my ears. I pulled on boots, a scarf, a beanie, and a thick jacket. The house was silent, since it was only six in the morning. I took that as an ample opportunity and headed for the front door. My feelings were still in turmoil, especially since I hardly even slept. Glad to have the chance to be alone before seeing anyone or speaking with anyone.

I stuffed my hands inside my jacket's pockets and took a breath in as the cold air hit my bare face. Slowly I maneuvered my way through the field to reach the stables. Every time we went to France I would tell Johnny that Teddy, a brown horse, reminded me of him. He would always get mad at me and tell me I was stupid, while I laughed at him. But I was telling the truth. Johnny was a soul filled with light; I am not going to say we never fought, but we were siblings after all. Teddy seemed to be laughing when we did or said something humorous; I don't think horses are supposed to do that, but he certainly appeared to laugh. Teddy's eyes were filled with a gentleness that was not present in all the horses which left me thinking of Johnny. My brother's eyes may have been a light green, a contrast to Teddy's brown ones, but they both shared a tenderness and kindness.

"I'm sorry to inform you that Johnny passed away, Teddy. I know you were very fond of him, even though he claimed to dislike horses." Teddy gently butted my shoulder with his muzzle, understanding the sadness that I emitted. I continued to brush his back, picking a slow rhythm. "You were very lucky to have had your parents with you since you were a baby, you know? The older I get, the more people I keep losing... Not that I really had them in the first place." I forced myself not to cry; it was too cold to have moisture on my face. "My dad never wanted me in the picture. He hates me and wanted my mom to hate me too." I paused to gain control over my emotions again. "This whole time I thought that she was the one who controlled my father, but it's the other way around." I swiped away the stubborn tears that managed to leave my eyes.

"May," my mother said softly. I still jumped out of my skin even though she called for my attention quietly.

"You scared me."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to pry." The fact that she was forty-four meant nothing; she looked like she was in her mid-twenties and completely beautiful. Without makeup and with tousled bed-hair, she seemed even younger. "I went to your bedroom and you weren't there, so I figured you were here."

"I couldn't sleep very well, as might as well get up." I returned to Teddy and continued brushing.

"About what your dad said earlier—"

"It doesn't matter, Mom. I basically already knew... I just didn't want to let myself believe it. Aren't parents supposed to love their children?" The tears returned and crowded around the corners of my eyes.

"Baby," she whispered as she walked up behind me and turned me around. Her arms wrapped around me. "I do love you. You have to know that. And I will do what's in my power to make amends for my mistakes. You have to at least believe that." My eyes were too filled to continue holding the tears. My eyes started dripping with flowing salty water.

"I believe you. But you have to know that I can't keep living with Dad."

"He's your dad, Mackenzie." She released me and looked intensely at me.

"Fat lot of good that does me. He is nothing to me, nothing."

Her eyes widened at my words. "Don't say that." She shook her head back and forth. The tears that had been falling from her eyes started falling faster.

"Well what do you want me to say," I yelled. "Do you want me to lie and say I love him? That he's been a great father? I can't, and you know why." I sniffed and held my breath for a few seconds before continuing. "What he said this morning, killed any love or affection I felt for him. He hurt me so much, and they were only words," I said very slowly. I could not hold it together anymore. My knees gave out and I crumbled to the floor, sobbing loudly. I could hear my mother sobbing too, and I saw her lean against a wooden column out of the corner of my eye.

After a while, we both grew tired of the cold and the sorrow. We walked back to the house, side by side. My grandparents were preparing breakfast in the kitchen; croissants, coffee, biscuits, you name it. Mom and I sat around the wooden table heavily, without making eye contact. They had heard the whole thing that happened between my dad and I, so they did not bother to question us; they simply said bonjour and continued fixing the breakfast. Mémé offered me a croissant with jam, but I declined.

"You need to eat, May," my mother said quietly. Her face told me that I was not going to get out of eating, so I ate.

After a while of eating with my mother and her parents, my mood lightened a bit. That was until my father woke up and walked into the kitchen like nothing had happened a few hours ago. "May I be excused, Mom?" She simply nodded without looking up from her plate. I left without looking at my father and locked myself in what was my bedroom during our stay.

My whole stay in France had been pleasant until the first day of the new year. I was off to a great start apparently. I had no idea what was going to happen when we went back home. Maybe my mom could send me to a foreign school to finish my senior year, but that would not make me feel any better. I did not want to leave the people I cared about, not that I had many. Or my father could travel by himself for four months or so. Yeah right. He needs... No, he wants my mother by his side. Maybe it was for the best if they just traveled until I graduated and could move out. I would have to do without her as long as I did not see him anymore. But the thought of not seeing my mom made me want to cry. I did not want to lose her after we had started to create a meaningful relationship. I would have to endure his despicable presence in order to have her. I was not going to let him have her to himself.

And that was it. I had no choice if I wanted my mom.

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[Song: Landfill by Daughter

"I hate you"]