PIPE DREAMS #1 THE TRIP

Day 3. (part 4)

I escaped from the hotel, in my try to escape from him, from my contradicting emotions and thoughts. I looked around me lost, bemused. Where i should go now? What just happened? These were some of the things that took over my mind. And as much crazy as that might sound, i thought again for a moment to return back. I started walking towards the sea. I felt once more that my lungs weren't getting enough air, i was choking. How much i wanted this man? How big of an obsession he has become for me? Do i deserve to live all these for him? I headed to the city's port. Many people were all over the area, some were just sitting and watching the sea, some were going up and down, some were visiting the bars or the restaurant there.

I found the darkest place with not so many people nearby. I sat in front of the sea, looking at her, searching for some peace inside. Tears left the corner of my eyes. The scene and what happened earlier played again in my mind. I tried to recall as many details as i could. I was so emotional before that i was moving around ruled by an instinct to protect my self, without being one hundred percent in the moment. I felt bad. I never wanted things to go down like this between us. I didn't have much of a choice. My feelings swarmed inside me and i lost every control that i could have over them. What should i do now? Why doesn't he want me enough? What is wrong with me? What am i missing? If i was different in some way, would he want me more? The answers in my head for the last four questions were really cruel.

Some women are born exceptionally beautiful, with a very good looking body without the need to do much work for it to be like that and stay like that, they are impressive and I feel like i should beg this man to give to me simple things, everyday things. Why nature is so unfair? What should i do so that his behavior to change? He has to understand on his own that there is something wrong with his behaviour. I shouldn't be the one that has to do something in order for things to change. Will i ever manage to become what he wants, this thing that he seems to go after? Will i forever be something less, to him too? I would never be enough, good enough? Now, that he met the best how he could choose me again. Maybe, if i made some plastic surgeries, i would become more stunning and he might treat me better. But that's how he would treat me better?

He has me certain, whenever he wants, i will be there. I have to do something about this. This has to change. If he fancies me, he has to do more than this. How i managed to degrade my self that much? And, be okay with getting only the little things that he could give me. He was never mine, completely mine. Perhaps, i gave him too easily everything he desired and because of that he didn't appreciate me much? What i'm saying?! What am i saying? I'm again so ready to forgive him after what he did. This man will never change! I don't know if he was always like this, so selfish and i was so smitten with him that it made me blind and i didn't see it, i didn't see what was coming. I'm regretting meeting him, falling in love with him. Falling in love so deeply. I wish that i could feel less so that i couldn't get hurt that much. But, i have to be thankful to him, this whole experience could turn my heart into a stone.

Now that i'm seeing how he truly is, for how long will i ignore it? I was in denial and i kind of still am. But the man doesn't change to become the way that i need him to be. Even if he really was how i wanted him to be in the past, now that air entered his brain, he will never return to how he was back then. I have to swallow this, no matter how much it hurts and it hurts bad. I feel stupid for letting things go this far. Now, what am i going to do? He won't let me take my bag and he will try hard to change my mind and he might even succeed. I'm not strong enough to say the big no that is needed in this situation, especially when i know that he will make an effort to turn it into a yes. I want to see him attempting that and achieving it. I want to believe in us again. I want us. I'm my self's worst enemy.

I want him to be a part of my life. I'm not ready to accept that that was all, that was all that we could be. That far we could only go. I let my self make all these dreams and then that was it, enjoy! Why all these happen? Why after a year together and getting so close to each other. Why he treats me like this? Why he put me in this situation? I remember how easy it was for him to announce to me that he is leaving. He was extremely cold. It didn't matter that whatever we had, it will end. What only mattered was the big career that was waiting ahead for him. The headlights. Probably, I wasn't good enough for his taste. He was craving much more from life.

That's not a way to behave to someone, moreover, someone that you are dating. I don't deserve better as a person? I have less value as a human being? Why i made all these dreams? When did i manage to make all these dreams? Only to see them crashing down like ships on a rocky shore. Why did he let me make them? What kind of human is he? Who does this? While he knew, no matter the fact that he had his own plans for his life, he let me hope. To have one more to spend his time with? To have quantity? Different pies that they all have something special for him to want to taste them?

I couldn't stop crying. I was feeling a mess, psychologically. Who and what determines someone's worth? How, why and when we became so superficial? In what we want, in what we ask from others? When, how we look on the outside, became so important? And, if the other is the most beautiful that exist out there, will that be the thing that makes us happy in the end? Maybe, if we lowered our expectations, to be easier to find someone that part of their beauty would also be the treasures in their souls and the goodness of their hearts.

I know the perfect human being, the faultless, the one that hasn't ever hurt anyone, doesn't exist. But, i believe that there are good people that won't wound anyone on purpose, they would take the responsibility for their actions, apologize for everything they've done and correct what they can correct, make amends when they can. They aren't aching anyone deliberately for a long time like he does to me. I know i have to cut him off for me and for my peace but i wished that to be as easy as it is to think of it. You hold on high hopes that he will change, that he will realize how much harm he does to you and that he will stop, though he doesn't care to understand, his behaviour doesn't alter, this doesn't end and the pain grows more and more.

Is it a form of addiction what i've got and i can't quit, to get over this madness? I wish to be strong enough to finish all. How can you secure your self from an existential crisis in a situation like this? Who have managed to accept fully his or her self without wanting to make any changes? My mind is full of questions but who has managed to answer all his? There are always things that you don't get and wonder about and they might become more over time. If we successfully solved all life's riddles, we wouldn't have any more problems.

There are a few methods that someone can use to stop the overthinking, the thinking in general, to cease the negative thoughts, however i believe that your self has the need to get it all out for a while, that will help you later overcoming everything. You have the need to cry because sometimes so many things gathered up inside of you that request from you to find a solution and they come and choke you and if you don't address them, they can cause to you a psychosomatic illness. You have to think about some things in order to solve them, to make decisions and you want to cry for your lost dreams, your lost hopes, for all the things that turned out to be a slip knot on your neck.