A Prose With No Direction

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Fear #2: Overthinking, overanalyzing, over-fearing.

I have days when I try to remember the days of before, the days of the past. I think of the memories—happy, sad, fulfilling, disappointing—which all a part of my past. 

All a part of me. 

I have days when I remember. Fully remember.

Or... at least I think I fully remember. 

My head is so messed up sometimes I wonder if what I remember is the thing I am supposed to remember.

Or, even scarier, the thing I want to remember. 

Pitter-patter.

Like the days where I remember, there are days when I ponder.

Ponder, ponder, ponder, ponder, ponder, ponder.

All I ever do is ponder.

Ponder about politics. Ponder about health. Ponder about society. Ponder about the future.

Ponder about my insanity.

. 

.

.

.

.

No!

I am sane.

I always ponder and ponder and ponder that I don't have any time to actually think. To actually rationalize. To actually know.

I have days when I ponder—no—rather overthink. I see me, doing the business I do everyday, and suddenly, BOOM!

The darkness hits me once more.

And I no longer breathe.

I think I can somehow sense the future. I don't see it— I'm not crazy, I swear! I feel it. I feel the outcome, the results, the consequences. I can feel it. 

That's what causes the fear in me to ripple since there's a difference being right and being deluded— I think.

 I think about tomorrow, me doing the business I do everyday, and suddenly, BOOM!

BOOM!

BOOM!

BOOM!

The darkness hits me once more.

And I no longer breathe. 

I think that's what causes the fear.

Overthinking.

It's like remembering. You remember the things you want to remember not the things that actually should be remembered. When you remember and remember and remember all the things you want to remember and not the things you should, what you want to remember becomes your actuality, and what actually occurred becomes a lie. 

You reverse the truth with the lie.

So simple for us to do.

Yet so detrimental for us in the end.

With thinking, you think and think and think of all the things you think will happen, and when you think and think and think of all the things you think will happen, it will happen. 

And that's what terrifies me.

Since all I think about is the darkness.

About crime.

About atrocities.

About death.

And when I think and think and think and think about all the things I overthink about, they may become a reality.

And I don't want them to become a reality, these... these dark thoughts of mine— thoughts that come from Satan, not God. 

I don't want to overthink.

I don't want to overthink.

I don't want to overthink.

I don't want to overthink.

I don't want to overthink.

I don't want to overthink.

I don't want to overthink.

I don't want to overthink.

I don't want to overthink.

I don't want to overthink.

And yet, I overthink anyway.

Fear #3: The mind.

The mind is what keeps me up at night.

The mind is a dangerous thing to play with.

So don't play with it unless you know how to tame it.