A Prose With No Direction

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The pages are rough against my rougher hands, each piece of paper grinding and scraping every callous that plagues my once-pure fingertips. When I am to read against my own will, I like to count the pages of every chapter to see how long it will take until I can reach the next one. It gives me that sense of comfort knowing that the chapter I am reading would almost be over— that the suffering will soon end.

I remember when I was young, around the age of five or six, I would proudly proclaim to others how I was able to read chapter books. Yes, chapter books, the kind of books that only the "big kids" know how to read. 

At that time, I didn't know how much of a burden reading chapter books will be later on.

It was such an accomplishment for any kid my age to graduate reading picture books and move onto chapter books. Such an accomplishment it was that my parents—whom at the time were still sane—even treated me with some cookies and treats for every book I managed to finish.

Now that my parents have lost their minds, and I, too, am in the brink of insanity—I'm not fucking insane!

Chapter books have been much harder.

The difference between picture books and chapter books is that picture books only shows the characters' appearances while chapter books showcases their messed-up minds.

I, being a prose with no direction, am no mere picture book that is easily read and understood.

No.

I am neither a chapter book that only showcases my fucked up mind.

No.

I am a novel.

The difference between a chapter book and a novel is that a chapter book showcases the character's messed-up minds while a novel shows the characters' entirety.

A novel showcases a character's appearance.

A novel showcases a character's mind.

A novel showcases a character's past.

A novel showcases a character's flaws.

A novel showcases how a character changes and develops.

I am no mere picture or chapter book. I am not something easily read nor understood. I am, instead, a novel to be dissected, to be torn apart, to be analyzed in order for you to comprehend the person who I was, who I am, and who I will be.

They say tomorrow is the start of a new chapter in my life.

They say today will be yesterday's chapter.

Well, what I say is that what they say is all wrong.

Yesterday isn't the last chapter and tomorrow is neither a new one.

Rather, tomorrow will be the start of a new novel as today will be the end of the last.

I am no chapter book.

I am a novel.

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Therefore, my life is a series.