Mine (Onhold)

please read it all! thank you

Hi there my fellow earth people! I hope you're having a great new year and hopefully a happy decade has started for you.
My sole purpose of writing today is to apologise and thank you all. I'm so grateful that all of you have taken the time out to read my book and have voted for it as well. I didnt expect anything but I'm so happy that so many have read it. I hope you all liked it.
I've been MIA for a very long time and that's basically why I'm writing today to explain all of that as well. Along the way, I've lost motivation. Not for this book but life in general. I've applied for universities, but it's all been a dead end. To be honest 2019 wasnt my year. I was sad, lonely and unhappy. I didnt have any friends (well I still don't) eversince my life took a 360 and I moved to a small town from a big city, everything changed. I had one thing to look forward to and that is university. I dreamt of it day and night, prayed for the best day and night and smiled everyday swallowing my suffering to make it one more day and wiped my tears away so no one could see me. The university I really wanted to go to and i was hopeful that i would get in there
...... rejected me. I cant fathom what I felt, detached from the world hopeless and it just couldn't sink in. But soon I got back up. I didnt try again for the same university but tried for medical instead and I had to give three test for that. I failed the first one.... I was devastated. The second one I had to give ended up being on the same day and same time as the first one hence I couldn't give that. So I had one left. It went well and I was hopeful but I failed that as well. God I was utterly and completely destroyed.  I felt as if my breath had been knocked out of my lungs. I no longer had a heart. My life was going no where and I had lost the one thing I thought was my strength; faith and hope. I lost faith in God. I'm Muslim so saying that means a lot. I started fighting with him and I lost my faith in Him completely ( which I regret so much)
But soon a light came my way and the last test was reconducted!! Great right... I passed but by a few numbers only. But then my final high school result came and it wasnt as good as I was expecting. I felt like everything was just falling apart. Every road I was taking was a dead end. But then by some miracle that I'm grateful to God for, occured. With the third test I could apply to the universities under the first and second test I failed and I was struck with shock.
I was so confused. Was God testing me? Was nature telling me something? This had never happened before. First the retest and then this. I became super happy and I asked for forgiveness.
( the time was October when all of this happened)
Then I applied to various places. I've been home the entire time and as much as I hate to say this.... I'm losing my self. Well now to the university part.... I dont know if I'll get it. It's the last list for one side and I'm losing so much hope that it's not even funny. I wake up everday and I feel breathless. I smile so every one thinks I'm okay but the truth is I'm not. I'm not okay at all. What if I don't get in? What's the plan then? What am i supposed to do? Fine I'll take a gap year and then what? I cant figure my life out because I'm so beyond lost and broken that i cant repair on my own and I need someone to pick up the pieces... but there is no one to.
So this is where the story comes in "mine"  I had it all figured out. The plot the storyline  everything. But amidst of all this I lost it. I'm creative and i can recreate this story in 10 different ways within an hour but I just can't anymore. I cant write not because I dont know what to write but because I can no longer find my self on these pages.
Please forgive me for that.
I hope you've read the entire thing and all I want to say is please pray for me. Whatever your religion it doesnt matter to me.... because a prayer is too strong for it to not be heard!
I promised my self and in my new year resolution I specifically said that I will not lose hope this year no matter what. Because in our holy book it say
" God tests His strongest men and doesnt burden a man beyond his ability ( to bear it)"
And also God says in the Quran (our holy book)
"What has to come to you will come to you even if it is two mountains away, and what is not for you will not come to you even if it is on the tip of your tongue"

I'm holding onto these words and surviving!

Also if you would like to hear my story and how I survived what I went through I could write a story about that. It'll probably be motivational for a few