unexpected { clay jensen } *MAJOR EDITING*

18> I'm Horrible

Alana Point Of View

Numb. Empty. Clueless. Vulnerable. That's four words completes what I felt about my existence now. Zach told me that I can't hang out with Clay anymore. He hates him. He hates me for being anywhere near him. I told him I'm over him. I was telling the truth. Or was I? Last night, I knew exactly what I should've done. I can't be in a relationship with someone who demands me whom I can or can't be friends with.

"I can't do this." I muttered to myself, running my hands through my hair as hard as I could.

I slip my hand inside my jeans pocket, picks up my cigarettes and lightened then up.  I opened the left window besides me letting the wind takes over my emptiness. I took my phone, and rewinds the conversation I had back then with him.

Text him.

"No! I can't text him!" I yelled crazily as loud and as possible as I can sounding like a psychopath.

I have this urge to call him. To apologize for what I did. I can't be with him. I can't stand a chance not being able to talk to him all day. I missed him. There, I said it. I fucking missed him and I'm in a deep nostalgia not knowing what to do. If Zach knew, we're over.

But a part from that, if i lose Clay I would fucking die.

A: Hey

Okay. Alana, delete it. Thats a dumb choice. You know the consequences. As I was about to delete it, I got a new notification.

It was from Clay.

C: Hey. It's 12 AM, why'd you text me?

A: This is not a good idea, i'm sorry

C: Talk. Please don't avoid me any longer.

A: Right now is probably the last time i spoke to you.

C: Why? Is it because of Zach?

A: No it's not

C: Then what is it? You can't just ignored someone leaving them dumbfounded. It's been over a month, and I can't fight it longer just tell me what I can do to make it up to you I can't be like this forever god damn it i missed you so bad it fucking hurts

I felt a tears streamed down and I closed my eyes for a great brief for a while. It's risky. What I'm about to do. But he deserves to know. I tossed the cigarettes aside and dump it inside trash can.

You can do this. Tell him how you feel.

"Hello?" I heard Clay's deep voice mutters.

I sniffled and laughs sadly. "I miss you." I says smilling through my phone and I felt a pang inside my heart burns.

"Alana are you okay?" Clay worriedly asked.

"I miss you, I fucking do. Do you think it was easy for me to walked passed to you, or just accidentally ran to you inside school and not being able to say hello, or to crawled back inside your hugs when I had a very awful day because my mom couldn't look me in the eye because she think I'm a horrible daughter, disgusting, disgraceful girl who's done anything but one of a whole big reasons why my sister attempt a suicide? I'm sorry I burned the tapes down. I was so miserable and lost, I can't think straight. I knew you called Zach last night. I was about to pick it up, but he tossed his phone away. He hit me, Clay! He told me I can't hangout, talks to you, and even glanced at you! I thought about you a lot and all I could think is how a horrible person I am. Clay, I'm sorry for what I've done. It's not fair to you, you don't deserve to be treated by your friend like this. I'm not a good person, Clay. I don't want to lose Zach, but I don't want to lose you either. I'm a selfish, I know. But I just can't do this anymore. I'm sorry, Clay." With that, I hung up and crash my body against my bed, pulled my blankets over and I cried myself to sleep that night.