Humans can come up with such interesting expressions, ones that bring forth a truth many are not ready to embrace. Drunk words are sober thoughts. The intoxication of a substance clouding someone so intensely that their deepest thoughts fight their way to the light. A feeling so enveloping that it renders someone useless, unable to fight against themselves. Those exact emotions held me between the wall and the sword, they are the reason why I am rushing past a few soulless individuals - in the midst of a winter snowfall, trying desperately to escape from the veracity of my words.
Being human comes with its failures, despite all the poetry that speaks so warmly of how beautiful existence within this universe is. All beautiful things have their downfalls. Living comes with that. A dream that followed me from childhood, that I had fought for so fiercely, one that was already within my grasp. And as soon as I had become comfortable and warm in its embrace, I was torn from it. Someone 'better' came along, as they do in the most unfortunate situations, and easily stole from me what I worked so hard for. The taste of a dream come true, and the pain of its closure. With that sudden disappointment came the exasperation to make bad decisions, my brain hardwired to try and run from the exhilarating emotion of hurt. I cannot recall why I did it, perhaps I needed an escape from the reality I hated in that moment. Alcohol has never been a companion I have enjoyed, seeming so unnecessary, yet it called for me like a siren to a sailor.
The one memory I can recall and understand was seeking the comfort and safety of my roommate. Or rather, the mistake of it all.
I dialed his number from memory. The numbers did not even escape me in the delirium I was experiencing. The words that came from me, softly asking for his embrace in the cold winter nightfall, not asking for consent before escaping. All softened from the spell I was under. In that moment it felt as though nothing could bring me down from the cloud of oblivion I was on. Until something did.
"I am fine, please. You can leave me alone now, I can't continue falling for you." It was only a whisper, one I felt all the way from my vocal chords to the exhale they came with. But despite its pliability, its malleability, it felt like the biggest awakening. The bliss of my own ignorance shattered instantly once the room around us became colder. The words suffocating me in our small apartment, the one so filled with memories and the ardor of happiness. I failed, in that moment, to acknowledge much else. Not the way his eyes widened a fraction in surprise behind me, and the way his fingertips seemed to excel much more heat than before. Only did I wake up, once I heard the same words uttered in confusion - the reality cementing and setting my body aflame. In one swift and uncalculated motion, I tore myself from the grasp I had craved so badly mere moments ago. Now his touch only burned my words onto my skin. I ran up the stairs leading me to my room. The door clicked in the vast space of silence, quickly followed by soft knocks on the auburn wood. They felt so strong in the quietness that it felt the building shook completely under his force. Jeon Jungkook was not ever meant to know about my feelings for him. The way my heart burned and longed for his was meant to stay between me and whatever deity guarded me. Jeon Jungkook was amazing, so hypnotizing inside and out. I had never known an individual that did not fall victim to his enchantments, he felt like a magnet I needed to cling to. Friends from the womb, holding hands from the moment we knew how to close our fists, walking side by side, being the first to teach love to one another.
After that moment, I do not remember much else. The world lost its color, turning black in realization of my mistakes. My head met with the pillow under me, clouded by his scent and resembling his softness. The music from the lit streets outside was my only companion, except for the never-slowing beating of my heart. And when I woke, all I wanted was for sleep to hold me once more. I needed to escape the mistake I had made, but what was there to do? He knew, he knew, he knew. I could not swallow back the words, he knew me better than I knew myself. Souls too accustomed to being at the same frequency.
I can face him. I can see him, and make it alright. I can.
After shedding my clothes the night before, probably sweating off the godforsaken beverages that brought me to my current demise, I woke with not enough to have a serious conversation. Grabbing the first hoodie I saw, I opened the auburn door silently. Rather weirdly for being in my own home, I strove towards the kitchen and paused in front of our beloved coffee machine. Our child, we called it. Zoning out, losing myself in the many words cornering me, I did not realize the telltale sign of his own door opening - of the rhythmic pattern of his footsteps against our carpeted floors. Not until the presence I had known to love from the moment I was born was right next to me, his eyes boring holes into me like usual. Turning around with utmost confidence, all the strength I had gathered escaped me, falling to the ground and shattering like the mug of coffee in my hands. The uneven pieces of glass haphazardly scattered over the floor, making for an abstract scene of art. The raspy gasp from him stopped all the crashes of thoughts in my head, making me zero in to his concerned eyes. All I could do in that moment was confront or run, so I ran. Logically. I raced to the door, ignoring the words calling me back, and pulled on the first sandals I saw.
After around five minutes of borderline running through the deserted streets of New York, I slowed down to a fast paced walk. The winter breeze burned me, making my cheeks warm in devastation. The thin hoodie and sandals not enough to protect me from its ferocity and disappointment. The moment my limbs started to fall victim to the ever growing chill, I looked for the first cafe in my vicinity. A newly opened one, it seemed, Epiphany. Entering it was as if being welcomed to a new world, browns and beiges reminding me of only one person. The smell of pastries, warm chocolate croissants or pies exploding with raspberry jelly. Hot coffee or the bitter taste of americano also invaded my senses, reminding me of my hunger. With the comfort that the cafe brought me, I took one deep breath and accepted that perhaps all the beautiful things in the world would only bring me thoughts of him. Still taking in the surroundings, I paused in front of a small table with the menu imprinted on it. It was surrounded with miniature characters enjoying all the delicious food options, surprisingly not obnoxious, something new. Homely.
I ordered with a quick approach to the counter, faster than expected on a winter morning. The caffeine both hurt and healed. Brought back the clarity that I needed to face at some point, reminding of how much I ridiculed myself in front of Jungkook. Perhaps he did hate me now, maybe there was no fixing anything at all. I stared at the seat in front of me in contemplation, as if glaring hard enough would manifest him back to me. Until it did. And someone appeared in front of me, an individual I would have been overjoyed to see any other moment. But not right now. I was not yet ready to end what I had known my entire life, to give it all up to perhaps preserve an okay goodbye. He was all too valuable for me to lose in this way, due to the uncontrollable bewitching I willingly put myself under. To escape a bad reality, I made it worse. I cannot face him, cannot see the disgust swimming in his beautiful orbs, the curve of his lips downturned because of me, posture crestfallen.
"Tae, did you mean it?" His voice was so fragile, as if any more strength to it would cause it to break. Even through all the voices attacking my eardrums at once, I picked up his the best. Of course I did, I was too attuned to him.
"I know I meant it, with all that there is to me. But you are so much more important than unresolved and unrequited feelings." I told him. But for all I know I did not, because the same question reached my ears again.
"I need to know if you meant it or not. Please, Tae, just tell me." One more whisper, this one with less composure than the first. He was the embodiment of vulnerability in this moment. Maybe there was salvation.
"Jeon Jungkook, how could I not mean it? How could someone exist as your equal, gravitating around you their entire lives and not fall completely for you? It hurts that you won't be there to catch me, but you are so much more important than pent up feelings - but please, don't let this hurt us. I would rather lose it all before losing you." I could not lie to him, not this time. He could taste the truth from my words on his own tongue, I knew so. I could not lie even if I had wanted to. The weight of his gaze on me was enough to surrender any selfish ideas, even if I did not meet his eyes.
"God, you are so stupid. I have been waiting for you to fall for me since the moment I recognized what love was," He smiled, his splendor stealing the breath from my lungs and giving me something much more pleasant. Those ridiculous bunny teeth displaying all the happiness encompassed in this world.
- rewritten.
