I hate goodbyes.
Though we were a group of four - all hearts singing alike, there was always something ever so slightly different about my love for you.
Jin, Jimin, Taehyung, and myself. Best friends since the womb, hitting the world running from the moment we heaved our first cry. I was the last to join the group, the youngest. Love is not limited to an age, the feeling might morph along the years and find different meanings throughout stages of life - but there is no such thing as being too young for love.
The awaited news had come. My family would leave the country. At the time, it was one of the worst moments of my life. I had grown up knowing only one thing, one routine, one family, one union of people that embraced me with unimaginable adoration. I would now have to let it all go, meanwhile not quite grasping why. The goodbyes were painful, words of comfort and sadness being shared within the space of a breath. Sorrow permeated the air around us, flowing through the air as if a plague. An ache settled over my heart the moment it was my turn to bid farewell, it still remains. Some might be surprised at the level of innocent intimacy shared between us all, the cultural differences astounding. Multiple cheeks were pressed to one another, hugs and kisses shared under the burning sun. Tears, smiles, laughter, and sobs. They all tried to be strong for me, create a facade so it would be easier. So the ache would loosen, not quite suffocating me. We might have been young, but I knew them like I knew my own mind.
That is all in the past.
The first time I visited, it was all uneventful in terms of friendship. There was a festival taking place in our little time, and it buzzed with foreigners. There were responsibilities that came along with the added year we spent apart, and we were all expected to partake in a specific job. A small crack was heard from my heart when our eyes met and you simply looked away. I only spoke to Jin, and in those moments of reprieve I confessed something which had been pestering me from the moment I left. Somehow, someday, the feelings of love had morphed into something more mature towards Taehyung. Through the tears of realization and the comfort I was given, I made him swear he would never tell. And before I could fully grasp it all, I was boarding a plane once again. Jimin and Taehyung were there to say goodbye, and I took note that that was the only time we had exchanged words. Jimin had always given me the comfort of an older brother. We hugged, embraced under the moonlight, and kissed each other's cheeks in a fit of love - but knew that it was all platonic. There was only comfort in our friendship, and our dynamic was safely tucked within our hearts. At that moment, it showed. He wiped the tears running down my face, holding his own back as a show of strength for me. He embraced me until he was the only thing I could feel. When it came down to Taehyung, it was a flurry of hugs and kisses deemed right. It was brief, and in that moment it felt necessary to keep it so. Him, who had the sole power to make my heart flutter, and bring a crimson tint to my cheeks.
My second visit showed some improvements. Jimin and I spent most of it together, holding conversations of a certain man that somehow managed to remain at the forefront of my heart. Jimin had somehow figured me out, no words needed to be exchanged before he had the answers in front of me. I made a conscious effort to know if there was someone special in Taehyung's life, I needed to know if the constant pining was even acceptable. I would forget him to avoid disrespecting someone who had his heart. He told me, though, in a confidence I had always associated with him that there was no one. Despite knowing I felt differently about Taehyung, Jimin and I continued to have our moments. Our comforts. We were still idiots together, like nothing had changed in the years we always spent apart. I missed everything we did together once upon a time, the piggyback rides as a show of confidence. The bridal style show offs. Our friendship in general, and all that encapsulated. I would never trade him for the world. Jin and I also had our moments of reprieve, never gravitating too far from one another. Oldest and youngest, always holding a special connection. Taehyung and I had our moments, oftentimes with company. I could not handle moments alone with him, I felt as though my skin was burning off with the flusteredness he caused me. On the second to last night home, we began to play a game.
"So, Taehyung, is there someone special in your life? You haven't updated me in a while." Jimin asked, as we all sat in a circle. I looked at him in surprise, noting that he stared right back at me with mischief flowing within his orbs. He broke eye contact in favor of smirking at Taehyung, and with that the tension around the table grew. I understood nothing but that it could snap like a thread. We knew one another better than we knew ourselves, growing up together saving us from any sense of privacy or boundaries. But, in that moment, it felt like we were all at disarray. I studied their body language, in search of some giveaway, and I found it. Taehyung tapped Jimin, down on his knee, and motioned something I did not understand. But Jimin did, directing his smirk right back at me. Something in me froze.
"Dear, innocent Jungkookie, our friend here likes you." He said through a fit of small giggles, almost caving into himself with the force of them. I could feel Taehyung's heavy stare on me, gauging for a reaction. My mind went white, for a moment, before I gathered myself.
"If this is a joke to you, cut it out." I muttered, staring straight at the mole on Taehyung's nose, narrowly avoiding his stare. My body language was all but calm, despite me wanting to convey just that. They both knew so, but decided to leave me alone for once. Something in them wanted to push the conversation, but they left it alone. Graced me with their mercy. Nothing much happened after that confession, and before we knew it we all said goodnight.
Tension had somehow wormed its way back to our dynamic on the following day. I invited them for some food around our little town square, and then through a walk in the park. Jimin carried me around, finding it thoroughly humorous how Taehyung's breath sped up the moment Jimin gripped my thighs too harshly. The most beloved part of our little town was its church. Stained glasses and beautiful architecture made it a beauty on its own. I had lost a knack for religion long ago, but could acknowledge its sentiment all the same. In front of the huge building, there was a park. It was often said that, all couples who experienced their first kiss there together, would live a prosperous and happy life side by side. Jin and Jimin, being the perfect siblings, decided to abandon me and Taehyung. Nothing happened. Nervousness was all I felt in that moment, and knowing me better than I knew myself, he respected that.
During that last night, I shared the ever growing feelings inside of me. Tears were shed, grieving already a love that would never bloom the way it deserved. More confessions and words were exchanged, sometimes merely with simple glances. Sadness lingered as we dragged our feet on the pavement, not wanting to call it a night and wait another 365 days for my next return. I was leaving that next morning, and there was nothing we could do to stop that. We said our goodnights, in front of my house, promising in that moment to utter goodbyes the next morning. I did the promised task with Jin and Jimin, but the man that held my heart was nowhere to be found. There were three minutes before I had to go, and his door remained tightly shut. There is a reason I hate goodbyes, and it is because of him.
- rewritten.
