tw; self harm.
Thoughts tend to resonate. Strong in the moments of weakness, in which consciousness succumbs to an unbearable darkness. Nothing can stop it. He could not process much more than the sobs rendering him useless, and the distracting pain from the sliver of steel, a mesmerizing silver that left red blooming in its wake. Locked in the most inconvenient place imaginable, a college bathroom, the razor clutched he carried with him like a holy grail tightly clutched between his fingertips - causing more damage, rupturing more innocent skin. Loneliness was poison to an individual, causing the brain to spiral into itself. He was lonely. Taehyung knew the concept was not foreign to him, but losing the one constant positive force in your life might be worse than death. A blind man could see his salvation was drifting from him, cascading away slowly like the water that transitions from lakes to oceans. It was terrifying. Jeon Jungkook had saved him from so much, in the five years they had spent side by side. All of his torments ran the other direction the moment the personification of sunshine came near. He chased his demons away with one exhale. They had moved in together two years ago, making the decision to face the world alongside the other. A one-bedroom apartment, to ensure good financial decisions come the future. Each other's company was a mirage for the other, a comfort after hard days. It was no problem, more than ideal in actuality.
Lost in whatever thoughts were swarming him like bees to flowers, he failed to see the familiar scuffed shoes entering the bathroom, or the rhythmic steps they took even outside of dance practice. The older man held his breath at the familiar tune from a tone he was so fond of. As if noticing the sudden silence, Jungkook also paused.
"Taehyung? Are you okay?" Jungkook's oh so melodic voice spoke, slightly hesitant to disrupt the silence. The sound bounced back and forward, against the walls and through each stall. His bag. His shoes. Jungkook had recognized his overused, and definitely ready-to-go-in-the-trash items. Sadly, alongside, in his clumsiness, the droplets of blood accompanied his things.
"Jungkook." He tried to say, as if it would somehow distract his best friend from his realization. As if perhaps it would give him a moment more to compose himself. It did not. The sharp intake of breath was so petrifying in the stillness surrounding them. He wanted to scream, defend himself in some way. To be left alone in his misery, to rot as if he was buried six feet under already. He wanted to ask why, why he had been so surrounded with his loneliness for the past weeks - months, even. But he could not, the words dying as they reached his tongue. And to his utter surprise, or rather not, Jungkook decided to abstain from answering and rather walked into the stall next to him. Noticing his train of thought, Taehyung decided to work as fast as possible to cover his arms, trying to soften the blow of the inevitable. He was too slow, of course he was. Jungkook had been agile, sometimes downright terrifyingly sneaky throughout the years he had known him. A gasp was heard from above him, and he squeezed his eyes shut in hopes this was all just a hallucination from blood loss. It would not have been the first time. He knew that he had gone heavy handed in his own self-destruction, knowing that perhaps bigger pain would cause it all to numb better, perhaps even for a longer period of time. He needed the reprieve, and what are his shortcomings if not constants. Trapped in his own stupor, in the fear of being caught, he failed to notice the matching sniffles coming from the younger man above him.
"Get out of the bathroom. Let me clean you up." Jungkook muttered, accent heavy in his own sadness.
Taehyung wanted to hesitate, still wanted to fight. At least go down without feeling like an absolute beggar for attention. He did not fight. He could not.
"We have been friends for so long, Tae. I wish I had noticed sooner, I'm sorry. I wish you would have talked to-" Jungkook started once the latch opened. Bad choice.
"Friends? You think we're still friends? That's what you call ignoring me for months? We share a home but the cold consumes me, your side remains untouched, your snacks mocking me each time I open the cabinets. The house is surrounded with you, yet it has never known such loneliness. I feel less like me each and every day, and if there was something I had been doing wrong, I would have liked to know at least. If there was a reason, if I was too much, you could have at least told me - done something, not just leave." He replied flatly, void of any emotion he previously held within him. This was exhausting, he was willing to give up before the battle truly started. He wanted this conversation to end, so he could face his doom without spectators to interrupt. At least he had himself.
Nevertheless, and through the tension, he allowed Jungkook to grab sanitizing wipes he always carried with him. For after dance practice, he had said once, you've told me you hate the smell of sweat. Taehyung had laughed at that moment. Now, it was not so funny. It was like a rope being tightened around his neck. He allowed bandages to be tied around his split skin, being treated with such delicacy despite the hateful words that came from him. He refused the eye contact Jungkook desperately wanted, ignoring the shuffling of each other's shoes to avoid coming in contact, ignored the silence to instead submerge in his regrets of this moment.
Once he tried to leave, without another word or discussion, Jungkook grabbed his free arm. He forced eye contact, and it had Taehyung pausing in his tracks, "I genuinely forbid you to say that. I know I have been such an asshole lately, but I won't allow you to put the weight on yourself. I love you with every cell of my being, they continue to divide and multiply for the sake of loving you. I would do absolutely anything for you, and it pains me that you would consider blaming yourself for my shortcomings. I realized something, and that change of perception caused me to be scared. And perhaps there is no saving what is broken, so I might as well go forth and fully ruin it - if it will make you understand. I love you, I have said so endlessly. That will never change, but the meaning did. It is no longer in terms of friendship, and not bound by platonic sentiments. I understand if you want me to move out, we never had the conversation but it is pretty known the stigma that surrounds someone like me." He was stopped, his rambling put on pause by a pair of lips meeting his own. There was a sound of surprise, and a strange stillness in his bones, before he melted like ice cream on a summer day on Taehyung's arms. Scents intertwined once more, despite all the misunderstands, and tears mingling as if they wanted a kiss too.
"Love only took on meaning when I linked it to you." Is all that was said. And in that moment, Jungkook swore that he would rather go through all the world's worst tortures than harm the man in front of him. All smiles in his boyish nature, and God there was so much to fix between them, so many words to be exchanged and promises to be made. But he also knew that he would be dragged to hell by Hades himself before ever taking away this moment of solace that they so desperately deserve.
And if Jungkook kissed every scar on his lover's skin, even after they were gone to the naked eye, then who would truly blame him?
- rewritten.
