Apex Legends: Oneshots

octane || self-hate

Self harm and suicide warning ~ 3rd person ~ angst (?) ~ sfw ~ requested by @NobodyCaresButYou

please don't read this if you've practiced self harm in the past :(

~~

Each time the blade crossed her skin, she felt extreme guilt.

She had a loving boyfriend, and a caring family. But couldn't stand her career. Killing people for a living wasn't something anyone could do. In fact, the first time she shot someone, she passed out cold.

Those people had family and friends, happiness. She felt guilty for ending their life, and affecting the ones who cared about them.

As a result of all the bloodshed, she started to despise herself.

So for every kill, she would add another scar to her arm.

She sniffed, and wiped the tears that poured down her face. The cuts were covering almost her entire arm and they were getting harder and harder to hide.

She got up and headed to the shower, letting warm water wash all the blood away.

As she closed her eyes, thoughts of death filled her mind.

"It would be better if I just wasn't here.." She mumbled to herself.

Her arms hugged her body close, she closed her eyes tighter.

She felt herself reaching to the knife on the counter, reaching towards her death.

But someone knocked on the door.

At first she didn't answer, instead she gripped the knife tighter. It would be harder to end her life if she had to see Octavio at the same time.

But he knocked again, harder and more rapidly.

"Y/N...What is that on the floor? It's not yours, right?" He asked.

It was obvious that he knew, he had suspected it for a while and this just confirmed his suspicions.

She shook her head and tried to tune him out, she couldn't bear hearing his voice right now, it hurt too much.

"Be quiet...Please just be quiet.." She said, trying her best to hold in sobs.

"Y/N please come out and talk to me. I'm begging you.." He said desperately.

She started muttering to herself, the tears grew more rapid, as did the banging on the door. She tumbled out from the shower and grabbed a towel, covering her body.

She felt her knees give out and she collapsed to the ground.

"Y/N?!" Octavio shouted.

The door bursted open, he ran into the room. His eyes immediately going wide at the sight of his girlfriend on the ground. She sobbed, mumbling to herself incoherently. He pulled her into his body, and held her as close as she could be.

For a while, he shushed her. Gently stroking her hair and whispering things that calmed her down.

He didn't speak a word until she caught her breath, he struggled to speak as well.

"Y/N...What happened?" He asked, finally looking in her eyes.

She opened and reopened her mouth a few times, not knowing how to express her thoughts and feelings into words.

"I don't know. I just...I hate how much I kill. I hate the pain in peoples eyes when I end their lives. I hate...I hate myself so much" She said, voice cracking.

If his heart wasn't already broken, it was now shattering into pieces.

"Don't say that, you can't feel guilty. They wanted to hurt you, you didn't have a choice-"

"But I did!!" She screamed.

He flinched at her tone.

"I didn't have to do it- and you know what? All the cuts I try to justify my actions with, it doesn't work. No matter how much pain I inflict on myself, it never works"

"You don't need to hurt yourself. Hating yourself won't bring anyone back from the dead, will it? Purposely hurting yourself doesn't do any good for people who are already long gone" He said.

She was a bit surprised at how honest he was being, it almost felt brutal.

But he was telling the truth, and some part of her knew it. She just couldn't bare to admit it.

"Promise me, promise me you'll try to stop. Because I don't know what I'd do without you" Octavio said.

She pulled him closed, and wrapped her trembling arms around his body. She rested her head on his chest, and nodded slowly.

"Okay, I promise. I promise" She whispered.

~~~

(honestly im so sorry for this crappy one shot and how long it took to make, but it was very hard to write so vividly self harm, so i couldn't write for long periods of time.

basically i had to write tiny chunks in different intervals otherwise i'd just end up crying lol

i'll try to get better on writing sensitive topics! but atm it's very hard

again, i am so sorry, i really can't stand whatever this is and i hopefully make up for it in the future chapters :(
)