tw; suicide mentions.
Seventeen years ago.
"Father, why do people want to die? Why would anyone want to stop living?" I asked, staring up at my father with curious eyes.
"Son, people never die because they want to. They die because they want to stop the pain. Sometimes, it is all too much. And fairly so."
"Well, when I grow up and love someone, I will love them so hard and they will never want to leave, right?" There was a huge grin on my face, so assured of my own words.
Present.
"Hi! This is Jungkook, I can't take your call at the moment. Please leave your message after the tone." The smile in your voice was almost palpable. If I close my eyes, I can even see it. If this is the way I get to hear your voice for the last time, then so be it.
Humans are so selfish. I am so selfish. I wonder, oftentimes, why you left me. I harbor a sense of anger, sometimes annoyance, at you. You promised me so much in this world. You wanted a home, a place where our love and warmth would emanate from the streets away. This house, the place you left behind, feels empty and cold. The ghost of what we used to be roams around the hallways, laughing at my misery. I miss you, and I miss us. I miss the memories we made together. I miss your beautiful smile, the one that showed all your teeth. I will never see it again. I miss your laugh, the melody of it so ingrained into my head that I can hear it bouncing around the empty rooms sometimes. I will never hear it again. Even though I lost you, I hope you are still out there somewhere. I hope you achieved the rest you so desperately craved, and that whoever has you now can swaddle you in comfort. I hope to meet you once again someday. I cannot imagine that I'm a good enough person to achieve the level of sereneness you have, but perhaps another life is destined for us. And though your body has abandoned me long ago, you will always remain alive in my memories and in my heart.
I am breaking, slowly. I try to force myself to stay alive, if I do not remember you, who will? I want to let go, I want to fall into a never ending sleep and hope to wake within your arms once more. You made me understand the true concept of love, a burning ardor that is irreplaceable once tasted. I fell in love, I learned down to the last detail of you, right before you walked out of my life. Into another plane of existence, blessing whatever other souls you accompany now. I bet you have a special place in Elysium saved just for you, perfected to cater to your every want. To reward you, for the crater-sized impact you left in this godforsaken world. The beautiful times you left behind, though, have turned into wounds I cannot heal. The words you left me with still ring in my head without my own consent, reminding me constantly that I could not save you. The letters you crafted so carefully in that letter, haunt me. They are burned into my eyelids, I see them when I sleep. The world was too harsh, and you were all too kindhearted.
"Dear Taehyung,
I cannot imagine writing this letter. But I have to, I cannot leave without a word of goodbye to the person who has given me the motivation to continue for so long. Please, bear with me. Read this with lightness in your heart. Do not let my absence taunt you, or what we had. The love we shared cannot be turned into hate. Do not let it. Even if I leave now, which I must, please do not worry. I will be here. I will be existing forever, within the memories and experiences we once shared. You will keep me alive. If nobody else remembers who I was once, you will. I am eternally grateful that you have let me experience life with you, alongside you. Our times together were a safe haven, and they spared me from the darkness in myself. You reminded me that there was something other than obscurity inside of me, other than the hatred others planted inside of me. You reminded me that love was a real, tangible emotion. That it was real. It existed in the world and between people. You reminded me that I was a breathing human, who deserved to be cared for and loved as everyone does. But even if you granted me an ocean of happiness, there was always a drop of ink within it- a piece of darkness wedged too far into my veins. It kept swirling inside of me, preventing me from truly seeing the positivity in this world- I cannot escape the monster I was made to be. I am a walking typhoon, I ruin all I touch. I cannot be saved. I will always drown, or burn, or suffocate. Give me something and I will destroy it, I do not want to. It is simply the fate instilled into me from the moment I took my first breath. I have tried so hard to find a cure to my own illness, I want to stay with you. I want to live the rest of my life being blanketed by the adoration in your eyes, and I want to warm you the same way. Nothing has helped me. So many others before you have tried to help me, and I have turned my back on them. You have been the only person I have allowed near me, in the damndest times, I have only wanted you. But I am too scared to break the Heavens' best, most beautiful creation. The blood of Persephone runs through you, you are the embodiment of a breath of spring, so careless in your beauty. I cannot taint you. It cannot be me. I might be gone soon, but you will remain. I hope you don't give into the temptation of the sadness I will unfortunately place in front of you, on a silver platter even. I want you to live, continue to be happy. Allow the air to continue filling your lungs, live to see all the beautiful sights the Gods have created for us, continue going to all our favorite restaurants, learn about the wonders of the world. Chase after every dream you have told me about, about all things you mutter about in your sleep. And love, love unabashedly. But please, allow me to be selfish once more, for the last time. Do not love anyone else how you loved me. Allow me to go with the knowledge that there was someone who loved me, in a way that bloomed especially for me. You had every humanity that was left within me, every ounce of love in me. Please know that, in my last moment, I thought of you. I love you, my breath of spring."
I remember when I woke up that morning, wanting nothing more than to see you. There was a pit in my stomach that accompanied me. And perhaps I should have known better, I should have ran through the streets of Seoul in search of you. Perhaps it would have changed nothing. God knows it didn't, you were gone. Without my knowledge, my conscience started to erase the bits and pieces of you from my life. The image of you only came to me clearly when I saw a picture of us. Your voice only rings properly when I go back to a video of us, enveloped in our love. Before it all disappeared. Back to what feels like forever ago, when I was able to present to you a world of love and happiness. I will never be angry at you for leaving me, nothing good stays forever. Even in your absence you taught me a lesson. Not even the God-kissed humans that make our lives a thousand times better. I will forever remember you, maybe with the unshakable hint of sorrow for not being able to make you stay. But hopefully, most of the time, it will be with a smile. Like the ones you gave me on the darkest of days, as you clutched your own heart in pain behind the scenes. It was for a short period, not an eternity with you would have been enough. But thank you, for loving me nonetheless. Thank you for being a part of me. Thank you for everything, my soulmate. And allow me to be selfish, just once. Allow me to go with the knowledge that I will find you, in hopefully every universe that comes after this one. Or, if I am lucky, at Elysium, right by your side.
- rewritten.
