Stigma | KTH ✔

37 | Done

('':

♣   ♣   ♣

For the couple of seconds their contact lasted, my body suddenly felt foreign, numbed to the core. My sense of awareness in this room, in my own body, my surroundings.. disappeared. I felt like nothing. Complete emptiness.

I couldn't even hear my own thoughts. I just stood there frozen, feeling like those mere seconds lasted for an eternity. And that eternity was pure hell.

When my feet finally moved, I wasn't even aware of what I was doing. It was my deepest consciousness that acted for me. I couldn't even feel the ground underneath the soles of my shoes. The only way I knew that I left him there, was the fact that he wasn't in front of me anymore.

It's a strange sensation, kind of reminding me of that time I thought I heard him and Yuna in the bedroom. But this time, it feels like I'm not.. present. There's this veil around me, almost like a wall, masking me from my surroundings. I can't feel anything. I watch as my feet are moving across a white, neverending surface, but I can't physically feel that I'm walking.

Just like that, I'm isolated with only my mind. The shock was so deep at first that I was unable to react. For the longest time, my feet was the only thing I could focus on. Watching them go back and forth, looking like I was walking for hours without actually going anywhere, was soothing, almost hypnotizing me in a strange way; a calm way.

Without me noticing, I suddenly become aware of that I can hear myself breathing -- the thought that I didn't hear it before never struck me at all. What confuses me then, is that puffs of white clouds comes out with each breath I take.

Then I feel the cold.

As if ice-packs are glued onto my face, my cheeks are completely numbed with cold. I look down on my hands, confused over how pale blue they are. And watching them shaking makes me realize that my chest is also vibrating, as well as my legs and shoulders.

That's when I finally take in my surroundings, realizing that the white ground was snow all along -- I've been outside this entire time. And I have no idea where I am. I'm lost and all alone.

For a second I forgot how I got here, but as soon as I questioned that, the answer in the form of a memory flashes right before my eyes, throwing me back to Taehyung kissing that girl I didn't even bother to look at.

I feel straight up disgusted. Sick.

Where the fuck do we go from here? What the hell am I supposed to do?

Why am I not crying? Why is there a tiny little part deep inside that is not shocked that he did this?

Did I expect him to ever do this to me?

No, but in some way yes. Fuck, I really did see this coming, didn't I? I just always hoped I'd be wrong.

Why the hell am I calm? Why am I not angry? Why am I not feeling like punching something? Why don't I hate him?

It feels like it never even happened.