Stigma | KTH ✔

38 | Aftermath

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The winter break had been very much needed and anticipated, but sadly not for the reason I had first looked forward to it. Taehyung and I had planned this break for weeks; everything from the movies we would watch, to the small road trips outside town and cafés we would visit. Though, it all turned out to be the complete opposite of that. Instead we were forced to accept that we weren't together anymore; and not-so simply forget about us and what we had.

It sucks so much more than I could have ever imagined. It's literally the closest feeling to death that isn't death.

I've had no energy, nor the will for that matter, to leave my bed. Not only because I was downright devastated and depressed, but also because I caught the worst fever I've ever had, so I don't overreact when I say that this has been the worst week and a half in my entire life.

Sleeping was all I did for the first few days, but even that was difficult because I had the most horrible fever-dreams that left me more exhausted than before I even went to sleep. I kept getting horribly vivid flashbacks of everything that happened that night, but my brain twisting the scenes to new traumatizing heights so I often woke up in panic, out of breath and in tears.

Feeling like utter shit basically describes me right now. Thankfully, my fever went down significantly after Christmas which made Areum, Jimin and Minhyuk elated that I finally resurrected from the dead -- only physically, that is. Though, I feel anything but alive.

The sleepless nights progressively got better as the days went, but now when I'm not too exhausted to think back on everything that's happened, my days turned into neverending crying sessions.

I always thought post-breakup scenes from movies where the female protagonist is curled up in a fetus position, surrounded by tissues and empty pints of ice-cream were stupid, overdramatic and unrealistic. But here I am, doing exactly that -- minus the ice-cream. I've lost count for how many days I've listened to Seventeen's Habit on repeat, knowing that I will never be able to listen to it again when I move on.

If I ever move on.

How is one supposed to move on from what we had? From everything we went through to finally accept our love for each other? Only for it to end too soon..

Why did he have to do it? Why couldn't he just trust me? Why does he make it so painful for me to love him?

Why did I have to go off on him when I knew that it would only lead to me breaking up.. Why didn't I just walk away?

I regret it so much, but what I hate more is that I know this was the only choice I had at this point. This, if anything, has to be the final push for him to finally face himself.

But what if I made it worse?

I just wish I knew if he's realized that it's okay for him to get help..

My phone vibrates shortly, hating myself for wishing that second that it's Taehyung when I know that it's probably just Areum checking on me for the fifth time this day.