Neverland (snowbaz)

Wrinkles and Worries

This is the biggest feeling that Baz has ever had. It's bigger than all of the anger at his father, his adoration of Mordelia, and his fear of growing up. The feeling he's having right now, the feeling that comes with (finally) kissing Simon Snow is the best and biggest feeling that he is capable of. Simon sighs against his mouth when he kisses him again, taking him by the back of the neck. It's a proper kiss this time. Baz pulls at Simon's hair to tip his head back so he can swipe his tongue between Simon's lips. He parts for Baz and Baz explores Simon's mouth in the way that Simon has probably explored the caves of Neverland. He wants to draw a map of it so he can remember it forever, even if this won't last. 

It hits him, as he kisses Simon, that this is a fantasy. Staying in Neverland was never really an option, even when he climbed out of his window, but that was okay because at least he would have some memories of joy and excitement to get him through his darkest days in the future. But now he realizes that only half of him will return to London because his heart will always be here in Neverland with Simon Snow. And it makes him want to cry because the thought of returning home to his big, lonely house feels so drab and painful when he knows that Simon Snow will be somewhere out there missing him as much as he misses Simon. And it hurts because Baz will grow old while Simon stays young forever.

Baz pulls away because his heart is too full and his brain is too busy to carry on with this for now. Simon smiles at him and presses their foreheads together. 

"Want to go home?" he asks.

Baz's heart freezes in his chest. He's terrified that Simon means London and that this was all some sort of game to him. Just another adventure. 

Simon puts his hand back on Baz's cheek (it'd made it to his back, somehow) and nuzzles his nose against Baz's. "I meant my home."

Baz lets out a staggered breath. He doesn't know what time it is or even if Neverland has time, but he figures that it must be getting late. The people below have started to retreat back into their huts for the night and the fire is being put out. 

"Yeah," Baz says. "I do."

They make their way back to Simon's house. Simon shows Baz the secret knob and lets him push it to open up the hidden door. They slide down in a fight of laughter and suddenly Simon is landing on Baz and on top of him from the impact. Behind them, the fire roars. Simon smiles softly at him and leans down to kiss him. Baz happily obliges, no longer feeling the weight of harsh reality on his shoulders. It feels so much better to kiss Simon than to think, anyway. 

"Are you gay?" Baz asks, pulling away from Simon's lips for a moment.

"Gay? 'Course I am."

"Didn't you have a girlfriend?"

Simon cocks an eyebrow at him. "I––what? I'm confused. Why's that matter?"

Baz sighs. "Simon, what do you think 'gay' means?" He realizes that Simon's vocabulary isn't as modern as his.

"Happy? Carefree? That sorta thing."

Baz wants to give this boy access to Urban Dictionary. "Okay, so I meant, uh, homosexual."

Simon doesn't look happy or carefree now. "Dunno. I've never really thought about it." 

"How do you just not think about it?"

Simon shrugs and rolls off of Baz but intertwines their fingers to make up for the lack of contact. "What's it matter? All I do is fight or save people. And it's not like I've got a line of suitors here."

Baz rolls over to face him, propping his head up on his arm. He can feel some of his hair draping across his face, but he can't bring himself to push it back. "I just...how do you know that you want this?"