trauma and it's healer [KomaHina]

Chapter 4 ~ Open His Heart & Mind

Hajime's eyes widened as he read the passage that Nagito wrote in his diary.

Dear Diary,

How would be the best way to die?

I'm so tired of all this and I don't know what to do.

How do you think they'll react? My classmates, I mean?

They probably wouldn't care too much would they? I mean, I'm just worthless garbage. It would be so much easier if my death just occurred faster.

I mess up those stupid class trials because I can't keep my stupid mouth shut. I always talk about murdering another one of us, but do you think I could really do it? Killing is such a big commitment. The adrenaline rush. The sight of blood splatter across the wall. The feeling of the warm ooze spread against your chest. The way I think of it is greatly romantic, but I just can't do that, to myself and to everyone else.

Ehe...

Murder and love are so similar. The commitment, the possible hope, the possible despair, and the possible bloodshed. To commit to either could either make or break a heart.

I'm not ready for that.

I always ask you questions and you never seem to answer.

That's okay.

Goodbye, dearest diary.

Hajime looked over the passage again and again. It was such a short entry, yet the words were chosen to express every single thought that was stuck in his brain. Hajime thought back, Nagito seemed like a delusional and crazy freak. Now looking into his deepest thoughts, he was just alone.

He turned his attention toward Chiaki, who was scanning her eyes across the page again and again. She had a look that said everything, she was concerned and disappointed and sad. Disappointed...? But in whom?

"It...It all makes sense, now," Chiaki said in a low, sad tone. Slowly, tears ran down her pink cheeks. "It makes so much sense."

Hajime held his arms out for Chiaki to fall comfortably into, which she never did. "Nagito... he feels so worthless, Hajime. I just... I just thought he was overreacting. But, I was wrong. I was so wrong." Chiaki put her hands to her face, covering her tears and her red cheeks.

Hajime looked back at the paper. One part caught attention. "How would be the best way to die?" Was he planning to die? Suddenly, in between Hajime's thoughts, water spots fell gradually onto the pages, leaving dark spots. His vision slowly went blurry.

He teared up, his tears became cries, and his cries grew into sobs.

Nagito believed he wasn't worth anything. He believed that he wasn't good enough to live anymore.

He truly wasn't happy.

Nagito walked back towards his cabin, cream cheese was sprinkled lightly at the corner of his mouth.

He opened his cabin, going for a key, he noticed the lock was slightly lighter. That's odd, Nagito thought to himself. He shrugged it off and entered his messy cabin.

Nagito walked tiredly to his bed and face planted straight into it. He turned himself into a comfortable position, crossing his legs. He reached for his bedside drawer, upon opening it he noticed that his diary was nowhere to be seen.

"E-eh?!" Nagito exclaimed to himself. "Now, where has that stupid book gone?"

All afternoon, he searched for his diary. Spending all the Free Time on that little secret book, the albino had tired himself out.

He sighed to himself quietly as the Monokuma Night Time Announcement played. "I guess, I'll just have to search for it in the morning." He stripped off his clothes, only wearing his underwear. His thighs and forearms were covered with scars.

Nagito opened another drawer, hoping for his diary. He noticed that all the razor blades he had collected. "Those have gone, too!" He grumbled to himself as jumped onto his bed.

Chiaki sniffled, while also wiping her eyes from the tears welling up in her eyes. "Hajime, we have to talk to Nagito about this. He can't just keep suffering alone like this!" Chiaki squealed, determination obvious in her tone.

"Yeah, you're right, Chiaki. But, how..?" Hajime retorted, he wanted to help the white-haired boy as much as he could, now that he knew what was really going through his head.

All afternoon, Chiaki and Hajime had been reading over Nagito's journal.

"We... we'll just have to talk to him privately," Chiaki suggested. "Should we tell everyone else or not, though?" Hajime asked, crossing his legs. Chiaki shook her head. "We can't just out Nagito like that. Like I said, I think private is best." Hajime nodded. "Yeah... yeah, you're right, sorry," Hajime chuckled.

Chiaki closed the book they were reading all afternoon. "I should head to my cabin now, Hajime. Sleep tight, 'kay?"

Hajime nodded as Chiaki made her way out of his cabin. As he heard the door click close, he looked down at his hands.

He liked Nagito, but Nagito couldn't even love himself. "I'm not ready for that." Those words bounced around in his head.

He tried to shake those ideas out of his head to get a peaceful sleep, but no matter how much and how hard he shook his head, the entry kept playing throughout his mind. All he could think of was how much Nagito must've been hurting inside.

He kept thinking about everything he read about, all the things he kept in the mind all that time. The thoughts drew out the tears that had been building up in his eyes the entire time.

To comfort himself, the brown-haired boy pulled a long pillow towards him, it was about the same size as him. He directed his tears into the strangely-sized pillow.

Hajime sobbed himself to sleep quietly that night.

The plan as to what they were to say to Nagito in the morning was pretty much set. Except, they didn't know exactly what to say. All they had was a general idea.

They didn't know if what they were saying was exactly the best, but they were gonna try everything to help Nagito. To support Nagito. To keep Nagito happy.

That was the plan.