Run

Part One | 19

Chapter 19

"By then, I'd fallen in love with her. Really, I did. All those other times I thought I did, I really didn't. But with Brayden, yeah I loved her. I loved them both. They were the most important people in my life, and I wouldn't let a single thing happen to them. I thought everything was coming together, I thought every decision I'd made up until that point was the right one. I thought, things couldn't possibly be better than this. I was so fucking crazy that I even wanted to marry her."

...

While Marie was still in the hospital, I'd managed to get us out of our apartment in Manhattan and into another one in Brooklyn. It was good to be in a different spot. The area was safer, there was actual furniture that strangely came with the place, and it wasn't an arm and a leg to rent. It just worked. It was a miracle honestly. 

When I brought Marie and Brayden home, things almost felt perfect. While Marie slept, I watched Brayden, and he was easy most of the time. The nights were the hardest, but that was because I was the only one getting up to handle him. Marie just kept sleeping, and I was okay with it. I knew she was insanely tired. 

As I rocked Brayden back to sleep in my arms, I always wondered about the future. I wondered if Brayden would meet Marie's parents, if we'd ever go back to Middleborough and introduce him to them. I wondered if he'd meet Gale or Paolo, and how they'd feel knowing this is why we left in the first place. But mostly, I wondered if he'd ever meet my dad.

Having Brayden and being with him, knowing I'm his father has brought so much joy into my life. It slowly made me forgive my father for all the shit he did to me. It slowly made me forgive myself for all the shit I did to him. I wanted to rekindle that relationship, to fix it while I still could. I didn't know if he was still locked up or if he was out. I didn't know if he even knew I was gone, or if he even cared. All I knew is that I didn't want to ever have a relationship with my son the way I did with dad. Ever.

The whole thing made me wish we weren't here. It made me wish we had support, that we were back in Middleborough and things were good. I wished we'd have family Thanksgivings and Fourth of Julys, taking pictures with Brayden throughout the years so that everyone could experience his growth.

I remember back in high school, before I even went to Middleborough, my buddy Evan knocked up a girl on the other side of town. She was homeschooled, and I don't even think they'd dated for a while, but when the news came out it wasn't even that bad. Her family and his family worked together in bringing this new human being into the world, and they were happy doing it. I remember seeing him, sometimes even with his little girl, and I always found it so weird that his whole family was so supportive of him.

I'd do anything to ask him how he did it, how he managed to save his ass from the girl's father, how scared he was before his little girl came. I felt so lost now, doing what I was doing, yet I knew I was doing some things right. I knew Brayden was being fed, I knew he was being taken care of, and I knew he would be okay. 

But... I also knew things could've been better. Brayden could have a grandma, maybe even two. He could have big birthday parties, tons of friends at a good school. I didn't even know how to begin with that stuff, and I suddenly felt grateful that I wouldn't have to worry about it for another few years. 

I didn't know how long I'd been staring out our apartment window, but it had been long enough for Marie to get up. I'd been up since seven. For some reason, that's Brayden's favorite time to cry. I don't complain anymore. It used to be four. 

But now, it was already one o'clock. This was the earliest Marie had gotten up since before she had Brayden.

"Hey," I said gently. "You okay?"