The Arrangement

20

Jungkook had been tossing and turning for hours. After he left V to work on his lyrics more, his mind became plagued with memories of the past. He tried to repress everything for so long, but the song writing process was a catalyst. It was as if a dam was breaking, the flood waters determined to drown him.

It was so difficult for him to think back to six years ago and what he had lost. Who he had lost.

His best friend.

If Jungkook hadn't been pressured by blinding fear, maybe they would have become more.

His friend told him - so truthfully and from the heart - how he felt about Jungkook. To hear the person he loved was in love with him . . .

It was the happiest moment of his life.

Then, even though his body and mind screamed at him not to do so, he took his friend's heart and destroyed it. He thought he was protecting his friend and doing the right thing. But it turned out to be the worst decision of his entire life.

Now, years later, he had trouble seeing his friend's face clearly in his mind. Whenever he tried to think of him, his mind only showed him the urn containing his friend's ashes. He couldn't hear his voice or his laugh - he could only hear the choir as they sung their haunting tunes as he said goodbye to his friend, his first love.

It was his mind's not so subtle way of saying he did this. He was the cause of his friend's death.

Or as Kim Taehyung's parents told him, with hatred blazing in their eyes, he was the reason their son took his own life.

The pain was unbearable for that first year after Taehyung was gone. As were the constant thoughts of blame and guilt that held his mind captive all day and night. He was slipping away, fading, and he was afraid he'd end up just like Taehyung.

So he did what he had to do to protect himself.

He moved on from Kim Taehyung.

It was so difficult at first. Everything reminded him of Taehyung. But in order to move forward, he couldn't dwell on what happened. He accepted the situation for what it was. He accepted that he was at fault and that there were so many ways he could have prevented this outcome.

It took time, but eventually he accepted the fact that he needed to forgive himself.

And he did. Slowly.

Soon, he was able to look back on the past with hazy thoughts. He was able to recall the fun moments and the moments that gave him butterflies. Jungkook was convinced he had thoroughly moved on and healed from that trauma.

But this mentorship with V brought back the memories he swore were gone for good.

This song writing process, for one, didn't help. While V's coaching on how to pull out honest lyrics was helpful, it sent Jungkook to a place he hoped never to return to. The pain there was so vivid. The feelings he convinced himself were dead and gone had come back full force.

And even worse, Jungkook found himself noting how much V reminded him of Taehyung. V's looks were reminiscent of his old friend's, though more matured and defined. But it was more than that. It was the way V made him feel.

Those thoughts made Jungkook very guilty. He feared his attraction to V was only rooted in his past feelings for Taehyung. It wasn't fair to the artist if that was the case.

Jungkook hoisted himself out of bed, not wanting to dwell on all of this right now. There was so much baggage to unpack, but he didn't have the mental strength or capacity to undertake that at this moment. He went to the kitchen to get some water, hoping he'd be able to shut off his mind afterwards.