fight for us ↠ harry styles [b2] ✓

CHAPTER 18

A.N. heyyyy here's another update cos i'm impatient and also trying to get you all hyped about the story again cos i've been going through book 1 and it just feels like you guys lost interest in this n all 🥺 but anyways i hope u'll enjoy this one!!

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18—Harry Styles

Moping around was not something I enjoyed. Keeping busy with occasional breaks suited me better. But no one was around, everyone was doing their own thing so all I could do was hang in my living room and flick through the channels on the telly. Nothing seemed to catch my attention and even if it did, I lost interest in the first two minutes. Unsure of how to deal with the tension that built up in the house, I tried to not think about it. Not thinking about it should help, right?

No.

It doesn't fucking help, in case anyone wants to know. It makes everything worse, actually.

I kept thinking about everything. Mason. My parents. Olivia. Renleigh. My company. My friends. The kid I had on the way. Somehow, even some of my exes popped up and I didn't understand why. The thought of them led me to Renleigh's exes which then took me to Tomlinson and the fact that he is in jail. That calmed me down a little bit. One less problem to solve.

Getting shit sorted with my girlfriend was probably the most important. If I could sort things out with her, I would make sure she is okay and therefore our baby is okay, too. Then, I could have them in my corner when it comes to dealing with my brother. I feel as though Mason will be the most difficult to get through to because he's been hurt for years and the pain he must have been going through is something I cannot even begin to imagine. I was the cause of that pain, too, and to simply deal with that fact alone is stressful enough. Olivia is on my list although her and I seemed to be fine when I dropped her off at uncle Dave's. My parents... god, I had no idea where to begin with them. Perhaps ignoring that they even exist is the way to go. My friends, well, I haven't hung out with them or talked to any of them since my birthday and the thought of having to reach out is just too much effort. Sounds bad but it is the truth. My company was doing okay which meant that I needed to step up my game if I wanted to keep being successful and reach new milestones.

So, overall, I had a shit ton of work to do but clearly, not enough time. The amount of shit that has been piling up on me caused me to not be able to see out and ahead. All I could do was cry because I genuinely didn't know how else to cope with everything that was happening. I was extremely stressed and nothing was going the way I wanted it to go.

I ended up sending a bunch of messages to Renleigh because I felt myself getting overwhelmed again.

Today 11:50 am

Me: hey I know we left things in an awkward state yesterday but I was hoping you could cancel whatever else you had planned for the day so we could talk?

Me: I don't want to mess with your plans but I really need to talk to you about last night...

Today 12:25 pm

Me: okay I don't think it can wait until you reply

Me: I've been an asshole to you. I can't even begin to explain how fucking sorry I am cos there are just no words to do that. I've been so horrible and I know that. I haven't been there like I should have and I've been so off and all I can blame it on is stress. I don't know where my head's at and I've hit a certain point where I just want it all to stop. There is so much to deal with. I'm sorry for being such a hassle to care for because I know I can be better but I'm just not. I drag you into so much shit with my family and I think that makes it so much worse because none of that is your fault and my brother speaking to you like that wasn't okay at all and I know that wouldn't have happened if I wouldn't have dragged you into it. I'm so sorry Ren. You know I would never want you to be hurt yet I feel like that's all I've been doing. I've now just realised that the date of Matt passing is coming up and that's added pressure on me which I still don't know how to deal with. I suppose everything with Mason just reminded me and I'm scared. I really want you to work this out with me cos you've been one of the most constant people in my life. You know me more than anyone else bc I've shown you parts of me that no one really knows and I love that and I don't want to lose you because I don't know what I would do without you. That sounds incredibly cheesy and I'm pushing so much onto you right now but you told me you want me to lean on you—so I'm leaning on you. There is so much I need to tell you and I really want you to be here with me because I feel myself getting overwhelmed as I'm typing this and I don't know what to do