Love Of My Life

I Want To Break Free - July 10, 2019

Photo of ferry to Victoria, BC

Benjamin's POV

They loaded up Benjamin's SUV with their backpacks and hiking gear and waved goodbye to Tyler's family who all stood on the porch waving back.

"Need a coffee?" Benjamin asked. Tyler just nodded "please".

He adjusted the aux cable and plugged in his phone. "Can you find the driving playlist for me Ty? He asked passing him the phone.

"Benjamin? Every song on your driving playlist is Queen" Tyler laughed.

"Just for a little while, then we can play some of yours?" Benjamin slightly pouted.

Tyler reached for his hand, putting it to his mouth and kissing the fingers making Benjamin blush. "Ok Benji".

He had begun calling him "Benji" a few weeks before and although it always made him blush, he loved it. Nobody had given him a nickname before. He loved having a special name just from Tyler, it was just one more thing that he adored about his boyfriend.

He couldn't remember ever being this happy before. Sometimes he worried that it would end, that Tyler would figure out that Benjamin was a dull, shy, nervous man who hadn't accomplished much of anything in his nearly 30 years.

There were times that his insecurities would get the better of him and he wouldn't be able to sleep or eat or focus. He hated those moments.

He looked at Tyler and admired him with every fiber of his being. He was so much better than me he would think. He deserves better than boring old me. Benjamin tried hard to shake the thoughts and put on a smile but Tyler caught him frowning and his face, as always, read like a book. Tyler gave him a questioning look and Benjamin simply see smiled at him.

He knew Tyler would ask him about it later, he could always read his emotions. Even if they weren't looking at each other, Tyler would sense his posture change, hear a breath catch, every nuance that was Benjamin's was easily read by Tyler.

The drive to the ferry was quick, traffic moving with no delays. They boarded the ferry and parked and Tyler finally asked him.

"Benji, what's wrong?" Tyler asked softly.

"Nothing. I'm fine"  he put on a smile.

"Please tell me. I can tell you have something on your mind".

He took Tyler's hands in his and looked at him.

"I am worried that I will lose you".

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Tyler's POV

Tyler was confused. Lose him? Why would he think that?

"Benjamin. I don't understand"

He took a deep breath and steadied his voice so he wouldn't break down.

"You are so much better than I am in every way.  I am worried that you will get bored of me and find someone younger and more exciting." He looked down at their hands.

Tyler felt a pain in his heart. How could this amazing man possibly think this of himself, of us. For once he struggled with the words and took a moment to compose himself. When he broke the silence he moved his hand to Benjamin's chin and forced him to look at him.

"Benjamin. If you could see yourself how I see you and how I feel about you this would never even be a question. Your strength made me stronger when I needed it. I had so much pain and anxieties before I met you and slowly you made your way into my heart that I didn't think anyone could do. You make me feel safe and that shaped how I treat others and let them into my life.

You gave me confidence when I had none. I was just the foster kid with no friends, my relationship with my family was okay but I didn't really let them in. I just put on a smile and made sure I didn't cause any problems. You changed that so I could let them love me.

The day I met you, that awful day when Mike died, formed a bond with you that has grown over the years to this beautiful relationship that we have now." Tyler took a breath and stared at Benjamin. How can this amazing man have insecurities? He wondered.

"Benji. I am scared too." He reached over and cupped his face. "I am terrified that when you learn about my family that you will be so repulsed that you will not want me in your life. I am scared that you will think I am too young, too inexperienced, I can't give you what you deserve. I worry that you won't wait for me to catch up to you".

Tyler was losing his battle to keep his tears at bay. "I worry all the time that you will think I am just some kid with too much baggage and not worth the effort." Tyler broke down and as he released all of his anxieties he slowly felt better. He wiped away his tears as he  forced himself to be brave and continued.

"I  am young, yes, just starting out with no experience of being in a relationship...but I know that what we have is everything I could have ever possibly dreamed of. More than I would have wished for myself. You are the most important person in my life Benjamin and I love you so much".

He watched Benjamin's face change from sadness to worry to awe then to the look that he knew showed him how he felt about him.

Benjamin clutched him quickly. They held each other and Benjamin stroked his hair. "I love you too Tyler, so much. So much."

He pulled away and looked at the attractive young man looking back at him.

"I don't want our past and our fears to break us. I want to break free from that. I don't want to be timid about expressing myself. All I know is that you mean everything to me. I want a future with you".

Their lips met, gently at first then quickly turned into an urgency. They stayed in the bottom deck, sitting in the car making out. People had made their way upstairs to the

It was more heated and intense than they have ever felt before. They had stood bare in front of each other, sharing their deepest fears and it was a huge turning point for them. They both realized the significance of it. The locks were broken and they finally felt free to love and be loved like they deserved.