⇾ 𝐊𝐄𝐄𝐏 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐒 𝐎𝐅𝐅 𝐌𝐘 𝐁𝐀𝐁𝐘 | 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧 𝐋𝐞𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐧 𝐈

Chapter Seventy-Six: The Girl in the Mirror, Someone Who Couldn't Be Me

May 10, 1962

"Are you sure you'll be alright here alone?" Brian's voice was concerned.

I really didn't feel like going back to the Star Club, not after last night. I knew he suspected something, but I couldn't help myself. I was scared, though I wouldn't admit it aloud. I just told Brian I felt sick and I thought it would be better to stay home for a while and rest. I felt bad about lying, but I didn't want to worry him.

"Yes, I'll be fine," I answered. "I'll just stay here and read." I gave him a reassuring smile.

He sighed. "Oh, alright. We'll be back around eight, then. A little earlier than usual."

I nodded. "Have a nice time."

He gave a little wave and went to leave. When the door closed, I took a look around. I only noticed now, being alone, how strange I felt. I'd been around other people all day, so I hadn't got the time to think about what had happened until now.

I could still feel his hands on me, like a hot branding. It seemed to be written in ink that it had happened. It felt horrible. It felt like it would never go away.

I noticed Brian had left behind the clipboard he always carried to the club with him. I picked it up, hearing the doorknob turn, and figuring it would just be him coming back for what he'd forgotten. Instead it was John. He knocked on the door lightly.

"You're not really feeling sick, are you?" he asked solemnly, sounding upset.

I shook my head lightly. "I just don't want to go back there right now," I responded quietly, almost in a whisper, as if I were deeply ashamed of the whole thing.

John sighed, leaning in the doorway and looking across the room towards the window where the sun was almost completely gone. "I hate to leave you here all alone," he said. "Donna, maybe, if it's bothering you this much, you should tell Brian."

I shook my head forcefully, my eyes glazing over in embarrassment and my cheeks tinging pink. "I can't tell him," I said pleadingly. "He'd never let me leave this room again."

John peered back at my tear-filled eyes. His expression was unreadable. I couldn't tell if he wanted to hug me or punch me.

"If it doesn't get any better," he warned. "You need to tell him."

"Or what?" I asked feebly.

"Or I will," he responded, his voice softening. He closed the distance between us and took my trembling hands in his.

"What's that gonna do?" I questioned. "It's not gonna change the fact that it happened."

"At least he'll understand if you don't want to go down there sometimes." I didn't reply. "And maybe it'll put your mind at ease," he added. "You won't be lying to him anymore."

I sat down on the bed and thrust the clipboard toward him. "He forgot it," I said, my tone giving away how close I was to tears.

John sighed. "I love you," he said, leaning down and placing a gentle kiss on my head. "I'll see you soon."

"Love you too," I responded.

As soon as the door closed, signaling his leave, I began to cry again, for really no reason. Everything just came crashing down at once. All the change, good and bad. It all came in an overwhelming wave of emotions that came too fast to slow down, let alone stop.

I wanted more than anything to call out to John so I could feel his arms around me, so I could feel at home, so I could feel protected. He wasn't here, though, so all I could do was lay there and cry until I didn't feel anything anymore. Cry until it numbs all the pain for a while, until I could do it all over again.

~~~

The band was back by eight, as promised. By then, I'd straightened myself out, showing no signs of a mental breakdown, instead being found reading a book I'd picked up from a shop down the road a few days previous. Brian asked when he came in if I wanted to go down to dinner with the boys. I told him I did, dying to get my mind off things, and draped a sweater around my shoulders to leave with him and the others.

I tried to stay involved in what the others were talking about. They mostly stuck to the topic of recording with George Martin. I didn't know what really to say on the topic, so I just put on my best smile and nodded along.

I kept catching glimpses from John beside me. I knew he knew something was wrong. It seemed I couldn't hide anything from him anymore. I found my eyes wandering around the faces in the diner around us.

Suddenly, my eyes fell on a young man who looked strangely like the one I'd encountered in the club yesterday. My stomach sank and my hands began to shake. I blinked a few times, and he was gone again.

"I'm going to the bathroom," I mumbled to the others, standing up and stumbling away. I could feel John's eyes burning into the back of my head. I found my way to the ladies' room in the back of the building, thinking that would be the best place to get away from the others. I looked at my reflection in the mirror, seeing someone who didn't look at all like me staring back.

There were bags under my eyes. I looked tired even though I didn't feel tired. My eyes were still slightly swollen from my crying fit a few hours ago.

"God, you're going crazy," I muttered to the girl in the mirror, someone who wasn't, surely couldn't, be me.

I heard the door open and I turned to walk into a stall, but did a double take when I saw John staring back at me. "Feeling unwell still?" he asked.

"John, what the hell are you doing in here? You can't be in here," I said frantically.

John grinned back amusedly. "Who's gonna snitch?" he asked. "Hopefully not you."

I rolled my eyes.

"Now, love," he said. "Will you tell him?"

"How do you know this is about that?" I snapped. "It could easily be about something else."

"You may be able to hide your emotions from everyone else," he said. "Buuut, you can't hide it from me."

I sighed. "Can we at least talk some other time? You're in the ladies room at the moment."

"I want you to talk now."

"But, John—."

A young girl came into the bathroom. "Go somewhere else, lovebirds," she scoffed. John raised his eyebrows and pulled me out of the bathroom.

"We're talking tonight," he said.

I sighed and nodded. "Okay."