Random Shitty Writings

2/4/20

It's coming up on a year. A year since she last heard anything from her mom. It's easier said than done to be happy. But she tries her best. She has people at school she trusts with her life, a boyfriend who is kind and loving. Although her life isn't perfect at school, it's better than nothing. I mean, I get bullied a lot. It's been awhile. I do my best to stand up to it. My brother is getting picked on and i help him out. maybe if i help him he won't hurt me as much. I can only hope. 

There's 4 people here i trust with all my heart. Desmond (Boyfriend) Ainsley (Furry bestie) Henry (Coffee bestie) And Elizabeth (Depression Bestie) 

Fighting isn't as easy as it was before. Hiding is much easier. As is right now i'm trying to not let anyone see what i'm doing. It's hard to let people in.  I feel like if anyone knows whats really going on in my head then they'd leave me. But it's so hard to keep this hidden. I mainly write this just to see what it was like a while back. 

The other day i felt my mom... She was talking to me, I swear. I know it seems like it's not real... But i felt her speaking to me, telling me it was okay. I was crying. I burst into tears once she had to leave. And since then i've been wanting her to come back. I need her here. It's so hard without her. I want to be with her. I've been doing whatever i can to reassure me that she'll come back. I'll see her again. It doesn't feel like she's dead but where else would she be, who's ashes are these? When i saw her in the hospital it didn't seem like her. I miss her. I need her. But... She's gone. Mom, Why did you have to leave? In 5 more days its when you fell into the coma, in 7 more days its when i found out. in 6 more days it's when i started here at Avalon. Last year. It's been going by fast in the long run but i still can't believe its almost been a year. 

I don't know if this pain will ever end but for now i just have to deal with it. It's hard. It's really hard. And it doesn't make it easier with all the bad decisions i made last year. I'm trying to forget about a couple of people, You both know who you are.

...God i wish i could just forget... I wish i could go back and change...