Random Shitty Writings

6/26/20 3am

She sits in the dark, only a dim lava lamp changing colors in the corner of her room gives off light. She starts to wonder if she deserves the good things in her life, her boyfriend, her friends. She looks up at the ceiling and closes her eyes. She knows her relationships never end well. Her last two exes tried to sexually abuse her. Her current boyfriend is 3 states away, and she doesn't do well with distance. She knew it was a mistake to even think about dating him. But he seemed different from the rest. She was going to give up on love, and she almost did, but then, he confessed to her. She knew that deep inside shes liked him for awhile. Even before her last relationship. But online relationships are hard for her. Shes one who needs hugs and shit on a daily bases. And with this whole Covid-19 thing going on, its hard enough already. She just wants to hang out with her friends, but she cant. Without realizing it a tear falls down her cheek. She lets herself cry in silence, knowing that no one cares enough to check in on her right now, since shes been ignoring a lot of people recently. It seems easier than having to talk. Shes tired of talking, typing, she just wants a hug. Not from her family, but from her friends. she wants to be with her boyfriend. Cuddle with him, kiss him even. But she knows, that its only a matter of time before he gets tired of her. Just like the others. Shes not interesting, And even though she loves her boyfriend more than anyone else right now, she wont get too close, cause it will only make it hurt more when he leaves her. She laid back on her bed and hugged her cat, crying without a sound. More than anything, she wants happiness to stay with her. It seems staying happy, is too much to ask for. She looks out her window, wishing she could see the stars better. She feels her heart throbbing. Its getting hard to breathe. Another panic attack is coming. She tries her best to stay calm. She wishes she had someone to talk to, someone who would just listen and understand her. But it seems like no one cares about her anymore. She knows deep inside that people do, it just, doesn't feel like it. People mess with her, not realizing it actually hurts her. She doesn't know how to say no. To be honest is hard for her. But shes trying. Shes trying to be confident, shes trying to be skinnier and prettier, but every time that she looks in the mirror, she has an urge to break it. 15 year old girls shouldn't have stretch marks already. Normally only pregnant ladies get those. She hates how fat she is, she hates her acne, she hates her legs that she cant stop picking at. Shes trying her best to keep a smile on her face, But you cant do that, when theres almost nothing to smile about. She just wants to cry, and her boyfriend to hold her. That's too much to ask for though.