Locker Room Lust[BXB]

5

My drive to school is silent. Isla tries to blast her music on the aux but I slam my hand over the power button. My head is pounding and Im struggling to keep my eyes open to watch the road. Isla and Jayden dont say anything for the remainder of the ride. They know when Im grumpy just to leave me alone and stay out of my way. 

When we pull into the lot I park and rest my head against the steering wheel. Isla leans over the center console and pecks me on the cheek saying a quick " Have a good day big bro" before jumping out to follow Jayden to first period. 

I am going to be late if I sit in here much longer but I cant seem to find it in me to go inside. I dont know if Im ready to face Elias, especially in the state Im in. Suddenly I hear a knock on my window. I turn my head toward the sound and see that Jamie is standing outside. Hes wearing a adorable grin but his eyes show concern. He motions for me to get out and I cant say no to him.  

"Hey cap! You feelin ok?" He says.

I sigh and then reply " Ya, Im fine. Just couldnt sleep last night."

His concern deepens and then he throws his arms around me. Once my surprise wears off I put my arms around the younger boy. With his face in my neck he says " if you ever need anything, and I mean  anything Im here for ya Luca. You are not alone."

Before I can say anything in return hes walking away. I told him barely anything at all but it was like he knew already the struggle Im going through right now. More confused than I was when I got here, I head inside. I get to Mrs. Stevens class a few minutes after the bell. When I walk in shes going over attendance and everyone looks at me as I go to take my seat. 

"Morning Cap" I hear from my right.

I ignore Noah, not having the patience to deal with him today.I think he senses my irritation because he decides not to talk to me again. I get through school without too much trouble. I kept my airpods in and I took a nap during lunch. Part of the reason I got off so easy was that Alexa stayed home sick so I didnt have to tell her why Im so grumpy today. Her being away also meant I didnt get any coffee. When the final bell rings I make my way towards the gym. When I get there Elias is waiting for me outside.

"Not right now Elias."

"Fuck yes right now! You cant just avoid me forever."

"Watch me." I go to step around him but he grabs my arm. 

"You are the leader of this team, how can we follow someone who is so busy running away to look where hes going?" he says quietly, his eyes searching mine, "Luca, Im not asking you to come out to the whole school, Im just saying you should try to talk about it with someone so you arent so alone."

I want to trust him. I want it so bad I could scream but Im still unsure. "What if they think differently about me?" I whisper, looking at my feet. 

"Then they would be stupid, because you being gay doesn't change the fact that you keep this team together and work harder than anyone else on that court."

"Eli, Im scared," I say still not having the courage to look him in the face. 

He pulls me in for my second hug today. This time I break down and let out a broken sob into his shoulder. He holds me tightly, letting me cry out all the feelings Ive been having for the past day. In the back of my mind I know I should probably stop crying in case someone sees me, but right now I dont care. 

"Luca practice starts in twenty minutes, you need to either calm down and get through practice or I can tell the team your sick and you can go home." 

" Im practicing" I say firmly, wiping my eyes and getting a grip on myself. 

He smiles " Theres the Luca I know."

I make the drills extra hard today. Sure my body is tired from lack of sleep but my frustration with myself is stronger than my exhaustion. I put every ounce of sadness and anger into my game. By the end the boys are dead tired. They drag themselves to go get changed and I start on my extra serves. This time when I hear someone coming I dont turn around, assuming its just Elias again. Im surprised though when I hear a voice that doesnt belong to Eli say " Why were you crying earlier?"

I stop what Im doing and stay facing away from Noah. He waits for me to answer but all I can do is stand there and say nothing. I hear him walking closer and I turn around, still not meeting his eyes. " Was it because of me" he asks gently. 

I look up at him and scoff. " Cocky are we?"

"Thats not what I meant. I just mean cause of what happened dur-"

"Do not finish that sentence Noah," I say dangerously. 

"Sorry, I wasn't trying to make you mad or anything. I was just worried about you."

"I dont need you to be worried about me. Ever."

He looks hurt and for a second I feel bad before remembering how he left me alone in the bathroom like some kind of prostitute.

"Luca Im sorry. About before."

I dont know what to say to that. I didn't think he would apologize.

"Its fine."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

" Theres nothing to talk about."

" I want to talk about it."

Why the fuck does he want to talk about it?? Fuck Fuck Fuck. I dont say anything so he continues.

"Im sorry again for leaving like that, I was an ass. When I saw you in class I was shocked. I didn't know you went here. Honestly Im surprised you let me on the team."

Finally I speak up, " I let you join cause your good, not cause of before."

" Ya I know that. Luca.... I really liked what happened. I want it to happen again," he says, blushing and looking away. 

Hes so different from how he was that night. He isn't all confidence and sex. Hes shy and unsure of himself. I was attracted to the other version of him but I actually like this version, I feel like I should reassure him and tell him I liked it too. But thats the opposite of what I need to do. I cannot be sleeping with a teammate. That screws up the whole team dynamic. What if something goes wrong and then we're fighting on the court? That would effect everyone not just us. It would be selfish as a leader to put my team through that. 

"It will not happen again," I say with no room for argument, looking him dead in the eye. 

He looks surprised at my cold tone and then nods, walking away. I clean up the nets and walk out to my car. When I get in I rest my head of the wheel for a moment. In the safety of my car I allow myself be angry. I hit the wheel and I scream as loud as I can with the music turned all the way up. 

He wants me. He actually wants me. He is sweet and beautiful and caring and I cant have him.  Why couldn't Noah just have been born a girl? Why the fuck did I have to be gay.

When I tire myself out I pull out of the lot and drive home.