Beautifully Broken

Tattooed Tears

Frank

There isn't a dry eye in the whole arena as Ashley bows off stage. Tears cling to her cheeks, sparkling in the low backstage lighting. I try to keep the disappointment out of my eyes as she brushes past my extended hand, falling against her brother's chest. Matt rubs Ashley's back, giving her a quick kiss on the forehead before handing her off to Bert. Fucking Bert. He whispers in her ear, his arms snaking easily around the singer's small frame. After a few seconds, Ashley is laughing, jokingly pushing Bert away from her before quickly pulling him back. They exchange a few pecks before Bert dashes off to take his place on stage.

Ashley mingles with the others backstage, striking up a conversation with Lindsey who seems to shadow Gerard's every move. The girls talk and laugh, exchanging friendly touches. Gerard beams at them, a lopsided smile playing over his lips. I'm jealous of the way Ashley can meld herself to situations. She can walk into any room and make people fall in love with her laugh and the breezy way she can talk about anything and everything. No one is a stranger. No topic is off-limits. I miss that. We used to talk like that, laugh like that.

I remember Ashley's apartment, nestled amongst oak trees a few blocks from campus. We used to wake up early and get coffee. She'd walk me to class, always joking about how I was behind on papers or forgetting what building I needed to go to. Sometimes she'd just appear, popping up outside of my classroom or waiting in my dorm bed. We'd dance and watch movies. Ashley would paint while I worked on school stuff or wrote a new song. We'd fall asleep next to each other, our bodies wrapping tightly together. I could tell her anything, voicing my fears about the future and not feeling like school was really for me. We'd end up in tattoo shops, picking out something for the other to get. She encouraged me to do what I felt was right, even if everyone else disagreed. It never felt forced between us. Our conversations, our movements, our love felt natural. Like breathing or drinking water after a long run. We melded together, each promising the other the world. I wish I had been able to hold up my end of the bargain.

"This next song is a cover, but I can't do it alone," Bert's voice pulls Ashley's attention. She gives Gerard a quick squeeze before scurrying out onto the stage.

Ashley beams as the crowd roars. As Bert explains the meaning behind doing the cover, a piano is wheeled out onto stage. Sitting down, I rest my chin in my knuckles. Ashley's hands shake as her fingers dust over the piano keys. Taking in a deep breath, she lets it out, moving closer to the microphone. Ashley's soft voice lifts into the rafters, the worlds spilling delicately from trembling lips. The crowd is eerily quiet, erupting into cheers as Bert's low, gravelly voice mixes with Ashley's.

By the second verse, Ashley is in tears, her pain dripping freely down her face and bouncing against the keys. Her words come out in forced belts, pressing too hard or too softly against the piano. As Ashley whispers out the last words she falls into Bert's waiting arms. He gives her a long hug, kissing her forehead before addressing the crowd.

I don't hear anything he says as Ashley blows past me, the stage door slamming behind her. Lindsey looks to Gerard for an explanation. The singer shakes his head, frowning, "I'll go after her."

"No," I press my hand to his chest, blocking his path. "No. I'll go."

Gerard lets out a defeated sigh, nodding his head as he turns back to Lindsey. Sure, Gerard and Ashley are friends. She'd be happy to see him out there. He doesn't get it though. He didn't know Ronnie. If I know Ashley she'll want someone to laugh with. She'll want to take a trip down memory lane. Gerard just can't do that for her. For once, I feel needed; like I can be the guy she wants me to be. Pulling out a cigarette, I push out the back door of the venue, rounding the corner. Ashley is squatted down, back leaning against the brick façade. She clutches desperately to a cigarette, her whole body shaking.

"Ash?"

Glassy eyes stare through me, her hand reaching out to take mine. Dropping to my knees I gently brush the hair from her face, shrugging out of my jacket. Ashley accepts, allowing me to drape the warmed material around her. We sit in silence for a while before Ashley chuckles, sniffing to clear her nose. She wipes at her face, lighting another cigarette. I continue to gently rub her back, waiting for her to say something. Maybe she'll ask me to leave, maybe she won't. Either way, I was here for her when she needed someone. That's got to mean something.

"That was his favorite song," She sniffs again. "We used to sit in the back of the van and just sing it over and over. I should've been there. We shouldn't have gone on tour. He needed us and we just left him. Sometimes I think that if we staid if we had just been there, he wouldn't have died." Another uncomfortable chuckle. "I don't know why I'm telling you this. You don't care."

Frowning, I shake my head, giving the singer a one-armed hug, "I do care, Ash. I care a lot. That's your brother. You love him. You can't beat yourself up about his death though. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't Ron's either, not really."

"Do you remember that night we all snuck into Rain Room to see Archers of Loaf?"

"When Ron got thrown over the bar by that bouncer and got glass stuck in his face?"

Ashley laughs, letting her head rest against my arm, "Yeah and none of us had health insurance so we had to use vodka and tweezers to get it all out. He was whining like such a baby and just kept telling us to leave it."

"He bit me," I tug my sleeve up, revealing a light pink scar.

Calloused finger trail over a tattoo on my arm, her eyes far away, "You let him tattoo you. That was the first one he ever did on a real person." Ashley tugs at the neck of her shirt, revealing a black and grey heart with big eyes and a teardrop. The opposite to mine; a heart wearing a large, almost creepy smile. "I'm surprised you haven't gotten it covered."

"What?" I scoff, shaking my head as I smile down at her, "I love this piece of shit. I'd never get it covered."

Ashley shakes her head, tugging out yet another cigarette. She's going to end up killing herself with how much she smokes, "I could fix it for you. He taught me how. I've got a machine with me."

"Maybe," I smile fondly down at the heart tattoo. Ronnie begged for months to let him tattoo me. It came out pretty much how I expected. The lines are jagged, one hump of the heart sticking up higher than the other. The teeth aren't straight and it kind of looks cross-eyed. I still love it though. It reminds me of all the van nights and our drunken shenanigans. It reminds me of a much simpler time when all any of us cared about was the music and friendship. "Maybe I'll let you do a totally different one. I've got a nice spot on my thigh that needs filled."

"I'm thinking a big old penis," Ashley laughs, sticking her tongue out at me. "With really hairy balls."

I shove her playfully, shaking my head vigorously as I laugh, "There is no way in hell I'm letting you come anywhere near me with that machine now."

Ashley's face falls, "I miss him, Frank. All the time."

I give her another quick squeeze as footsteps near us, "I miss him too."

"Frank," Ray's head pokes around the corner of the building. He wears a small frown, eyes downcast, "We gotta go on."

Ashley nods, beginning to shrug out of my coat. I stop her with a hand to the shoulder, "Keep it. I'll get it later."

Note: So there's about seven chapters left plus the epilogue. I hope you guys are enjoying this. Much love xoxo