Beautifully Broken

The Greatest

Frank

I don't want to love Ashley. Loving her feels like cheating on Gerard. Even having to hear his muffled moans and watch him float around behind Lindsey, it still doesn't feel real. It still doesn't feel like he isn't mine anymore. My soul feels like it's being torn in two. Being around Ashley makes the pain better. I can forget for a while. Being around Gerard makes me feel sick. My stomach ties itself in knots, the hand clamping down around my throat, making it hard to breathe. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't want to forget how his skin felt against mine. I don't want to replace the fireworks that erupted inside anytime he'd press his lips against mine. I know I need to let him go. It's what I need to do to heal, to stop feeling like my whole world is falling apart. I'm scared to though. I'm scared that if I keep growing closer to Ashley she'll make me forget.

I can't stay away from her though. As the end of tour grows closer, I find myself clinging to her. My palms get sweaty and my heart races when I think about what will happen when we aren't on the road anymore. Being around her is like a drug. I don't want it, I know it's bad, but I crave it. I need to hear her laugh, see her eyes light up. I need to feel her brush up against my skin. I need to feel her heartbeat, to curl my arms around her as I drift off to sleep. Watching her move through the world, smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, playing guitar, it all makes me feel comfortable.

All these feelings bounce around inside, driving me crazy. With two shows left in the tour, with only five days to figure it all out, I turn to Ray. He's detached. He won't take a side. He'll let me ramble and then he'll tell me his honest opinion. Ray's always been a voice of reason for the band. He sees things objectively, helping make decisions that work for everyone.

He's quiet for a long time after I lay everything out. The guitarist sips his coffee, nodding to himself. Ray mumbles under his breath, asking a few questions to clarify details. I wish he would say something, anything. Hell, he could start yelling at me and telling me I'm a fucking idiot. I just can't sit in this silence anymore. It makes my skin crawl, fingers twitching of their own accord.

"How does being around Gerard feel? Not before. Right now?" Ray finally asks, setting his mug down, his fingers lacing together.

The look in his rich chocolate eyes calms me down. He's here to really listen. He's not here to judge or tell me I'm being ridiculous. "Sad. Rejected. Not enough. Angry. Betrayed. It hurts, not just in my heart or head, but in my whole body, like I got ran over."

"Okay. How does being around Ashley make you feel?"

I smile as her face flashes before my eyes. Absentmindedly, I reach down to touch the spot she tattooed through my jeans. "Warm. Safe. Cared for. Free." My eyebrows jam together. "But also terrified. Uncertain. Nervous. My heart beats so fucking fast around her."

"Explain more," Ray prompts.

Taking a few sips of my own coffee, I try and sort through my emotions, trying to get them into words that describe just how I'm feeling; "She's like the first sip of coffee in the morning. The way the crowd screams the lyrics back to you. Falling into your own bed after sleeping on the crappy bus bunks. The way a new instrument feels in your hand. She's also like the drop of a rollercoaster when your stomach goes into your mouth. She's like standing at the train station when you don't know where you're going. Like waking up after drinking and not knowing where you are. She's like standing in an unfamiliar town and feeling so lost. She's Ashley. She's all of life's little wonders wrapped up in a beautifully broken package."

"I think you have your answer, Frank."

Frowning, I stare down into the muddy coffee, "I don't want to forget him."