Beautifully Broken

Love It If We Made It

Frank

Gerard is antsy. Not the typical preshow antsy, either. The biting your nails, tearing your hair out, can't sit still for even a second antsy. I watch him pace back and forth through the hallway, hands beating against his thighs, throwing in little jumps between each trip. A stagehand gives us our one-minute, herding us closer to the door blocking us from side stage. Mikey goes down the line of people waiting, giving each a high five. He misses our sound tech, smiling silently to himself. Mikey's preshow rituals don't really make much sense to me, but they seem to help calm his nerves. As long as he misses one hand in the row he's certain the show will go smoothly. Sometimes I make him miss on purpose, tugging my hand away a second too early or holding it at a weird angle. Whatever helps I guess.

As the crowd roars Gerard squeezes my hand, giving me a quick kiss on the head. He hovers on my side of the stage through the show, singing in my direction. I get a warm, safe feeling every time we make eye contact. He'll smile and wink before whipping back around to face the fans. I wonder what set him off earlier. Gerard doesn't usually get nervous before shows, at least not like that.

Wandering to center stage, I feel a hand run up my back, Gerard rubbing his head against my shoulder. I lean into the touch, spinning away as Gerard dances back toward the mike stand. I stare at him, watching as he screams into the mic, shoving it back in its holder. Gerard grins over at me, striding across the stage. He waggles his fingers at me and I can't help but roll my eyes. His theatrics never get old. I could watch him prance around on stage for the rest of my life and be perfectly content.

The drums pick up, Ray's guitar ringing out. Gerard stops in front of me, staring me down. His hand tangles in my hair, my body squished up against his. As his lips find mine, I drop the guitar, digging my nails into his arm to try and get him as close to me as possible. I hear nothing but my heartbeat in my ears, feel nothing but his fingers tangled in my hair, holding me close to him, his lips perfectly working against mine. I wish I could freeze time and live in this moment forever. All too quickly Gerard pulls away giving me a dorky smile and a gentle shove. I'm sure I'm grinning like an idiot, but I can't help it. That man is everything to me. I now understand why he was so nervous before coming on stage. That was him telling me that he wants us. He's ready for all of this, all in on what we've kept secret for so long. That's Gerard's answer to the question that keeps burning in the back of my brain. It's us, just us, forever.

"If you two keep kissing like that, everyone's gonna figure out it's not just part of the show," Ray remarks, towel drying his hair

Gerard smirks, burrowing his head deeper into my side. It's nice to be able to cuddle without having to worry one of us is going to go spilling off the couch. It'll be a damn shame when we have to start living in the bus full-time again. I enjoy our little secret rendezvous and getting to sleep next to each other skin to skin. "Naw. It's to promote anti-homophobia. They all know that."

"Yeah, because there's so many homophobes showing up at our shows," Mikey rebuts, rolling his eyes as he drags another piece of pizza from the box.

My boyfriend, I'm pretty sure it's safe to start calling him that, at least to myself, gives his younger brother the bird, "You know the press is gonna pick it up. They eat shit like this up."

"But you aren't doing it for the press, you're doing it cause you're in love," Bob sings out the last word, fluttering his eyelashes and making kissy faces.

"Fuck off, Bryar," I toss a spare pillow in his direction. "You're just upset because the only person you can ever get to sleep with you is your hand."

The next few weeks fly by. Gerard and I begin to map our European vacation, picking out the cabin we'll be staying in and planning out little day trips. Joy bubbles up inside of me as I realize this dream I've had of being together and experiencing life as a couple is actually going to happen. We go out and explore the towns we're playing, dancing and laughing our way through comic book stores and coffee shops and diners. Gerard holds my hand and gives me secret kisses, falling into bed next to me every night. The pill bottles get forgotten, left to collect dust in the bottom of my backpack.