Beautifully Broken

Cigarette

Frank

My limbs are stiff, joints popping as I try and stretch out. My fingers brush against soft fabric and smooth skin. My head throbs, vision blurry as I blink my eyes. Unfamiliar pictures and sketches slowly come into focus. Sitting with a jolt, I hear something hit the floor with a low moan. Rubbing furiously at my eyes, I try and remember where I am. Why am I in my boxers? God my fucking leg hurts. My fingertips play over plastic as I go to alleviate the pain. Horrified, I rip away the bandage. Please don't let it be something stupid. Please. A brown bat with fangs and little drops of blood falling from its mouth stares up at me. The person on the floor begins to stir. Lilac peaks over the top of a fluffy skull blanket. Ashley. Fuck. Last night comes flooding back.

I kissed her. She kissed me. I need to get out of here. Last night we were drunk, no inhibitions, no thought to the consequences. She hates me. She's going to hate me even more once she wakes up and remembers everything. How could I fuck this up so royally? Oh God. Gerard. Gerard's married. I can't face him. Not like this. Not with her there by his side. My stomach churns and I make a dash to the bathroom. Hugging the metal bowl, I empty the contents of my stomach into the clear water. Why am I such an idiot? Why can't I leave well enough alone? We were starting to become friends again. There will be no going back now. Ashley is going to put her walls back up. She's going to slam the door in my face.

A knock on the bathroom door pulls my attention. "Frank?"

Fuck. Ashley. My heart speeds up, stomach lurching again. "Go away!"

"Frank," Ashley whines back. Did she – was that a laugh? "Can I please come in? I don't care if you're all pukey. I've got coffee."

Before I can respond the door is being opened, hitting against my ankles, "Ashley, please, just go."

"Nope," She squeezes through the small crack, shutting the door before sitting down against it. Ashley smiles as I slump against the opposite wall, accepting the coffee and water bottle she's offering. None of this can be real. "You pushed me off the couch."

Taking a swig of water, I slosh it around in my mouth, spitting into the toilet, "You gave me a bat tattoo."

"Yes," Ashley gives me a pointed look. "And?"

Taking a few sips of coffee I let the warmth settle my stomach, giving me new life. Maybe we're okay. Maybe Ashley isn't mad I kissed her last night. I wish I could remember more of our conversation. She said something about not trusting me and something about trying. We listened to her record. God is it amazing. Angry and at times painful to listen to but so fucking beautiful.

"And I'm sorry I pushed you off the couch," I grumble back. "In my defense, I wasn't expecting you to be there."

Ashley shakes her head, giving me another chuckle, "I guess I'll forgive you. How's your head feeling? Do you want an Aspirin? I can get you some more water. Maybe a bagel. Carbs help."

"You're mothering. I should probably go back to the bus, let everyone know I'm okay."

I deflate, teeth going to work against my cheek. The last thing I want to do is face everyone this morning. I can't stand the cold shoulder, the inability to even look at each other. I don't want to have to see Gerard happy, wrapped around Lindsey like she's some kind of trophy. My heart sinks, each beat painful and forced. Nothing will ever be the same. Not only have I lost the man I love, but I've lost a best friend, a confidant, someone who truly gets me. I've lost a future, a thing that once looked bright and hopeful now looks just as bleak as the New Jersey sky in winter. All my dreams, the memories we could have made, shot down with two little words.