TAEKOOK | HOPE

• 11 sad loser

I

t's just that.. I feel bad for gguk

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Three months pass, then six, then a year. Jeongguk is a sad loser and remembers the exact date that it ended. He exchanges a total of fifteen words with Taehyung on the one-year anniversary and spends the whole day wondering if he even remembers.

In some ways, it seems impossible that it's been a whole year. In others, it feels like the time had stretched on endlessly.

Slowly, Jeongguk learns how to breathe again, how to sleep and laugh and feel like a human. The glowing ball of happiness that had once found a home in his stomach is gone, and on some level he recognizes he's been broken in a way that is probably irreparable. That's what a first heartbreak will do to you. That's what getting your heart broken by someone as vibrant as Taehyung will do to you. But he's okay, at least, and that's something.

He throws himself into work with a passion that borders on obsessive, but in a field like this, no one really bats an eye. And for what it's worth, it pays off. With Hoseok's help, he takes his dancing to another level, not just excellent but distinguished, more uniquely his own style. He improves his vocals as well, working to expand his range by covering more challenging and complex songs. And he writes more, both music and lyrics, which is something he's been meaning to focus on for ages. Most of it, predictably, ends up being about Taehyung, and those songs he keeps to himself. Still, the practice is good for him, and having a personal way to express how he's feeling is cathartic.

The thing that keeps him going, more than anything else, is the elusive promise of 'after'. the prospect that someday he and Taehyung could be together again. It seems impossibly far away, so much so that it's painful to think about, but it gives him something to hold on to on the nights that feel particularly lonely. Sometimes, he wonders if Taehyung is thinking about it too, in the rare moments when their gazes lock for a heartbeat too long or their hands brush accidentally. It's nothing compared to what they used to be, but now those fleeting interactions are all Jeongguk has. All he'll allow himself to have, for fear that anything more will set him falling apart all over again.

In 2020, their new album completely blows up. It's unlike anything they've ever experienced before, and even with their success and fame continuing to grow over the past few years, none of them are expecting the reception it gets. Suddenly it seems like everyone in the world knows who they are, even outside of their already massive fan base. If Jeongguk had thought he knew what fame looked like before, he realizes very quickly that this is on another level entirely.

The year that follows is a whirlwind. They travel all over the world, making appearances on awards shows, starring in ad campaigns, meeting and collaborating with artists Jeongguk has spent half his life fanboying over. It's like what had happened to them after they won their first BBMA, but times a hundred. Times a thousand, even. They go on a goddamn stadium tour and sell out every stop.

And then, just when Jeongguk thinks it literally can't get any crazier, they get the call that they're nominated for a Grammy. Song of the year, for a track that Namjoon and Yoongi had co-written. They're all together in a hotel suite when it happens. Namjoon, of course, is the one who actually takes the call, and his eyes go wide, a shaking hand coming up to cover his mouth. For a second, Jeongguk thinks something terrible has happened, but then he's nodding and saying thank you over and over again until he hangs up the phone.

"A Grammy," he says hoarsely, looking around at them with shining eyes. "We got nominated for a fucking Grammy."

There's a beat of stunned silence, and then the room erupts. Hoseok whoops, leaping to his feet and pulling an already crying Jimin into a hug that Seokjin promptly joins. Yoongi rests his chin on his fists, shaking his head and blinking rapidly while he stares at Namjoon. He looks shellshocked. It's an incredible moment for all of them, but Jeongguk knows it carries special weight for the two of them. A song that they wrote, nominated for what is arguably the most prestigious award in music. Just two kids from Korea, together from the beginning, who managed to capture the attention of the entire world.

Jeongguk stays seated, mouth hanging open as he takes in the scene around him with wide eyes. It seems surreal, impossible, something he wouldn't even have thought to dream of when they first started out. Glancing to his left, he finds Taehyung already looking at him, and even after so long Jeongguk's heart gives a feeble skip. The expression on his face mirrors what Jeongguk himself is feeling, and Jeongguk wants nothing more than to reach out and take his hand, bridge the invisible gap between them. Instead, Taehyung flashes him a small smile, and they both jump up to join the fray.

It culminates with the seven of them huddled in a surging group hug, laughing and crying and shouting in disbelief. Jeongguk finds himself wedged between Seokjin and Taehyung, and he tries to focus on the euphoria of the boys around him over the feeling of Taehyung's body pressed against his. The warm weight of his arm across Jeongguk's shoulders, what Jeongguk would give to drop his own arm and slip it around Taehyung's waist. The familiar smell of him that Jeongguk has always associated with feeling at home.

And even though he's ecstatic, exhilarated, in awe, there's the nagging thought, far in the back of his brain, that this nomination means more, bigger, longer. Longer and longer until he can be with Taehyung again.

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I'm depressed.