TAEKOOK | HOPE

• 35 sense of mess

☣

In the weeks following the premiere, Jeongguk and Taehyung don't speak. Which isn't exactly unexpected, given the fact that Jeongguk had expressly told Taehyung he wasn't ready for that, but still. Seeing Taehyung again after so long had been like a shock to his whole system, and to go from that back to just... nothing is disappointing to say the least.

On the bright side, Jeongguk has a series of showcase performances coming up at the end of the month, which keeps him sufficiently busy and distracted as the weeks pass. The performances, spread out over the course of a few weeks in both Korea and Japan, are meant to be a teaser for his full tour, which will take place at the start of the new year. It's been years since he performed live, and while he's certainly nervous - especially at the thought of performing alone - he also can't wait to be on a stage again.

After much fretting, he ends up taking a similar route to Taehyung when it comes to inviting the other members, sending out an email with the dates of the shows to all six of them. He knows Taehyung is in the midst of his press tour for the film, so it doesn't come as much of a surprise when he gets an email back saying as much and wishing him luck with the shows. A part of Jeongguk is relieved, but still, the rejection stings, no matter how familiar at this point.

In some ways, stepping on to the stage the night of the first showcase feels like coming back to life. When they'd gone on hiatus, he had desperately needed the break, and he's grateful for that time and recognizes how important it was. But he's always loved performing, maybe even more than he loves music, and to do it again is even more exhilarating than he had anticipated. The lights on his face, the roar of the crowd, the thump of the music - for that period of time, he forgets about everything else and simply exists in his own little world.

He sells out every single show, which is thrilling on its own, and the performances all go as well as he could have hoped. With the exception of Taehyung, each of the members turns up for at least one of his shows, their presence reassuring him backstage even if they're not actually out there performing with him. They've already started talking about surprise guest appearances for his official tour - maybe a dance line reunion, or a remix of one of his songs with Yoongi and Namjoon.

On the night of the last showcase performance, Jeongguk is unexpectedly nervous. He tells himself it's because he's back in Seoul and he wants to do an extra good job, but really it's because he's deluded himself into hoping Taehyung will somehow show up unexpectedly. He's been half-wishing for that this whole time, especially considering his own surprise appearance at Taehyung's premiere, but now it's down to the last night, the last possible chance for him to come. And even though Jeongguk knows he's being completely ridiculous, he can't totally get the thought out of his mind.

He hates himself for how disappointed he feels when it gets to be showtime and there's still no sign of Taehyung.

The first half of the set passes without incident. There isn't a real break, but the lights do go down briefly so that he can grab a sip of water and collect himself. He sees Jimin and Yoongi watching from the wings to his right; they smile and wave when he catches their eye. Then he glances to his left and nearly gags on his water because there, standing in the shadows just off the stage, is Taehyung.

Jeongguk swears it's Taehyung. But as soon as he stops himself from choking to death in the middle of his own concert and looks over again, there's no one there. And then all of a sudden the lights go up and he has to start playing again.