Overlord: When Human Meets Inhuman

Chapter 33: Yes and no

Ahh, that was a nice nap…now I got back some of the time I didn't sleep tonight. I actually didn't sleep at all last night, so I'll take a few moments of sleep anywhere at anytime. 

"Mmm…" I hum and slowly open my eyes. 

I'm still in the cart, that's a good sign. Narberal is still alive, another good sign. And so is Shalltear. Not sure whether that's a good sign… 

"Oh, you woke up. We're almost there." 

Why does hearing her voice make me so angry? 

"Yeah…okay." I mutter, holding in my rage. 

Shalltear and I have had…a pretty turbulent history. And something tells me the "fun" isn't over…either one of us will find another way to screw up, for sure. We've got a whole eternity ahead of us, that's quite a lot of time to make mistakes! 

"Mark?" 

She's proud of who she is, isn't she? 
Lately I've been thinking quite a lot about the fact that she would've been better off just killing me on the spot when she met me. It would have saved everybody a lot of pain. Especially her and me. 

"What?" I hiss.

The fact is, I loved Shalltear. For quite a while. But I don't think I could ever bring myself to loving her again. Not after what she did to me, not after the hell she put me through. I don't even wish that on Gauff, to be honest, and that says it all. I'm not as attracted to her as I once was…I think I was the most attracted to her after my accident in the woods where she saved me, and when I first woke up in Nazarick. 

"Mark…please don't…this is already hard enough for me…" 

Shalltear said something about…involuntary affection…oh yeah, now I remember… 

"The blood…that's what…" I whisper, trying not to give away my shock.

I've been attracted to her because she gave me her blood. It's the "involuntary affection" she was talking about when I woke up in Nazarick's infirmary. I'm such an idiot, dammit!

"M-Mark?" 

Oh, right, she's here. 

"Ah, it's nothing. I was just lost in my thoughts." I lie.

I've only loved her because her blood was inside me…and now I don't feel love towards her…because she didn't give me her blood. But wait…
Shit. 
The few weeks I stayed in E-Rantel, after I woke up and waited for the trial, I committed a terrible mistake, because I was "forced" by the King. And it will probably affect my future here, for a while. Let's just say that Shalltear lost a lot of blood during the fight. And that vampires need another vampire's blood for transfusions, like any normal being needs a creature of their own kind. So the King…"convinced" me to give Shalltear some of my blood. Oh, God…not again…I can't bear to suffer through all that again…  

"You look worried. Is something bothering you?"

The hell it is.  The thing is…right now Shalltear probably has some of that good involuntary affection for me. And I dI lost all her blood, or almost all of it, during the weeks of torture and the fight. But…I have to say, the first few months in Nazarick, when I was in love with Shalltear, it felt good. Even if it wasn't something I felt because of my own emotions, but rather because of the fact that it was "injected" in me, it felt good.  

"No…I'm fine." 
"Are you sure?" 

No, of course not. It…hurts me. 
What I mean is, it hurts me to know all my feelings for Shalltear have always been "fake". But I’m not sure if they can be completely described as fake. I felt it sincerely, I did sincerely and truly love her. But my love didn’t come from feelings…it came from blood. I’m still sure that the “bond” she established giving me her blood isn’t completely destroyed, on the contrary, it’s strengthened. I feel like she’s trying to hold back on her…involuntary affection. I can see the way she’s been behaving yesterday and today. 

“Yeah I’m sure. I’m not hiding some deadly disease from you, if that’s what you were thinking.” 

I don’t know if this can be called a disease, but in any case I wasn’t lying. It’s not deadly, but it can still be dangerous. I don’t think I’d have the strength to handle somebody like Shalltear, even if I loved her. The weird thing is that the word “love” took a full new meaning for me in my months in Nazarick. 

“Mark, look, I don’t-” 
“It’s fine. I get it.” 
Shalltear’s eyes remain stuck for a second, probably on the three big slashes on my face, then she lightly shakes her head and looks away. 

This weird and new meaning for “love” isn’t to describe the way humans love. I don’t even know if it’s to describe how vampires love, but it certainly can no longer be used for humans. At least, not in the way I’ve experienced. Human manners don’t work anymore. That is a thing I’m gonna have to get used to in the future. 

“I’m glad you do. Because I don't.”

I just realized one of the main reasons why this ended up in the shitshow everybody knows about is because Shalltear is a vampire. No, this isn’t racism. It’s just that I’ve…been behaving towards her like she… 
Like she were a human. That’s why… 
I need to behave in such a way that I make her feel she’s a vampire, not a human. 

“What do you mean?” I ask feeling a bit perplexed with her last sentence. 

If I do that, things should improve. 
But now the question is…do I want things to improve? And the answer is both yes and no. And no, this isn’t a fancier way to say “I don’t know”, it’s just that I have a reason because I don’t want things to improve, and a reason because I do.

“I mean I don’t get why you saved me…I’ve been going crazy trying to figure out why, but nothing came in my mind. Maybe you’d be so kind to help me…?” 

The reason why I don’t want things to improve is pretty clear: she ruined me. Both physically and mentally. She hurt me. Every stab with my knife was followed by an imaginary stab to the heart, and to my sanity. She made me go crazy down there…and I’m not joking. In a whole eternity of living I probably won’t forget that insignificant part of my life. It’s astonishing how little it takes to ruin somebody’s life.

“Well…one reason, and the bad one, is because I wanted you to keep living with regret. Another one, a less bad one, is because I had a life debt towards you, as you very well know. And the last one is because I couldn’t keep living after what I’d been through.” 

The reason because I want things to improve, considering, as I’ve already said, that I don’t love Shalltear, is that I want to. And I know that if my feelings alone can’t do it, it’s basically impossible, but I still won’t give up. 

Shalltear turns back to look at me, then she smiles slightly and nods.

I just need two things, I think. The first is a lot of time to recover. The second…is her blood.