Overlord: When Human Meets Inhuman

Chapter 37: Broken

"Well I've got news for ya friend!"

Oh, news. I hope they're gonna be good ones. But judging from my luck they probably won't.

"What?" I ask impatiently.
"Shalltear is in the same situation as you!" Lupusregina shouts happily, and pats me on the back. 

Wait…

"You mean…"
"Yep! She feels exactly as you do! But here's the best thing: she knows you know how she feels, but she doesn't know how you feel!"

And why is this supposed to be good news?

"And…so?" I ask a bit perplexed.
"So? You can toy with her feelings all you want now, and make her regret all the shit she put you through!"

Eh?!

"Are you being serious right now?!" I snap.
"Well…yeah. You can do whatever you want with her and make her suffer as much as no wait you don't have any intention of hurting her do you?" She asks probably remembering that I have her blood in me. I shake my head energetically and give her a look that spells "well, duh!".
"I feel the opposite way! And no matter how-"
"Yeah yeah I get it. No matter how you don't want it, you're forced to, and you couldn't live without this, yatta yatta…I know. It's a song I've already heard. Can I help in some way?"

Hmm…

"Yes. Kill me." I say too casually.
"Sorry, what?!"
"I shouldn't have given her my blood. And she shouldn't have given me hers. We both fucked up, but the worst thing is that I wanted it. For some goddamn reason, I wanted it. And now that I have it, I regret wanting it."

This is such a fucking mess! WHY in the world did I want Shalltear's blood?! I'm such an idiot! I couldn't get a hold of my feelings and now this is my punishment!

"Yeah…this is one hell of a mess, huh?" She says putting her fists on her hips.
"Yes! Yes it is! And I have no idea what to do!"

God, this is such a shitty situation. To be honest, I'd rather be back in the basement, where after the torturing I could "enjoy myself" with Shalltear without all these tantrums about blood.
"Enjoy myself".
Yeah, Shalltear didn't…use me, on some days, but on a lot of other days she did. And to be honest, it took my mind off the stabbing and the fear. The weird thing is that when we were having sex, she was a completely different person. She wasn't my torturer, but my…side bitch? No, that's not the word. I would need to have a girlfriend if Shalltear were my side bitch. She was something like…my lover. I honestly missed those days. Just me and her, on the bed together, doing what two lovers do…
But those days are long gone now.

"Well…you could stay true to your feelings, for starters?" Lupusregina suggests.
"I don't even know what my feelings are!"
"Well…try to figure that out first. Then stay true to the feelings that are yours, and ditch the ones that aren't. Alright?"

Sounds easy…but I definitely know it isn't.

"I'll try, Lupusregina." I mutter, receiving a nod from her. She then smiles happily as usual and opens her arms wide.
"Want a hug?"

Yes. I do.

I don't answer and directly walk up to her and hug her.
"You'll see, things are gonna be alright." She whispers after she breaks away.
"I hope so…"
Lupusregina nods and lays a hand on my shoulder, looking as positive and happy as ever.
"Remember: stay true to yourself, and you'll see that things will work out."

She sounds very reassuring, but I know this isn't going to nearly be as easy as she pictures it to be.

"I want to believe you." I say and smile lightly.
"Then do it. It's not my job to tell you what to do, even if I can give you advice. You're the one in control of your life, Mark."

She called me by my name…

"You called me Mark…"

I'm surprised she called me Mark, to be honest.

"Yeah! That's your name! So anyway as I was saying, be true to yourself. That's all that matters."
She gives me one last smile and she walks out of my room, closing the door behind her.

Stay true to myself…
So, I think the question here is: do I want to love Shalltear or do I actually love her? If I was feeling empty because I didn't have her blood, I needed it because it's like a drug to me. The "love" thing comes after, right?
I'm not sure whether my love for Shalltear is the most important thing right now, but it does exist, and I can't just ignore my feelings, no matter if they're fake or involuntary.

"Life is a challenge, isn't it…" I muse to myself as I lay down on my bed.

I wish that I could just be free to choose, but at this point that is no longer allowed. I've been stuffed with Shalltear's blood, and she's been stuffed with mine. We're both trying to suffocate our "love" for each other probably, but we're both well aware that's impossible.
This is such a mess…if only I'd had some decent and loving parents, this wouldn't have happened. If that idiot of my father hadn't stepped out of line and decided to fuck a woman when he didn't have to, this would all have been more simple. I wish I wasn't even born. And yess, I am also regretting all my life choices up to this point. I would have rather stayed in E-Rantel, without any worries or anything, living my shitty life for some more 60 years or so. I would've rather never met Shalltear, I would've rather let her kill me. I should have just tried to run away when I met her, that way she'd have killed me on the spot. The truth is that Shalltear ruined my life. At least, my human life.
Now that my body is broken, that my mind is broken, that my heart is broken, and now that I'm gonna carry these physical and psychological scars my whole eternal life, I can safely say that meeting Shalltear wasn't in any way an improvement over my previous life. And I'm fucking cursed to love her, that's the funniest and saddest part at the same time.

"This is nothing more than a curse…an awful curse…" I mutter and let out a scream of anger, then I suddenly throw a punch the wall really hard. But I don't get hurt.
I then suddenly get a strong headache and I stagger a few steps back, I fall on my back and keep my eyes shut as the headache continues pounding me.
"Dammit…not flashbacks…not now…"
Suddenly I feel a warm sensation on the right side of my forehead and the whole right part of my head starts feeling a bit numb. Then the real pain starts. It hurts even more than a regular headache, so much that I find myself screaming in pain.

I can't open my right eye anymore. What the hell is happening?!

I start feeling very dizzy and stiff, and I pass out laying on my back, with my last thought being for Shalltear.