my journal.

hey girl from my school

so, you read this.  you were thinking about me.  my account.  you checked it and decided to read this.  this will tell you everything you would've known about me if you didn't break my heart.  8.11.19.  you fucked up.  it fucked me up.  for a long time.  you broke my heart.  it was so hard to start school again.  it was a sign almost of how shitty my year would start.  a week into school, lost my best friend.  a month in, started a relationship with a guy who harassed and sexually assaulted me for two months.  2.8.20 is when shit got better again.  i got a girlfriend.  but do you know how long i've liked her?  shit, i don't even remember it's been so long.  i've been so afraid to ask her out because every relationship i've been in has fucked me in the end.  but it's whatever.  i don't really matter.  you actually have more than one person who likes you so.

here's the message she sent to me for you confused readers:

"I'm so sorry. I read your journal from the day we got in the fight. The day our opinions collided and all answers were negative. I've never been one for looking at something or someone and only see something negative or only something positive in it. It's kinda funny how we put all our trust in one person and it's ripped away. Letting you go changed me.
The both of us are moving on now and both of us are changing so rapidly. Looks like we needed to let go of each other. For the better I guess. I'm not going to ruin your relationship with who ever it is because frankly, I don't know and I'm happy for you. Also because I wouldn't want someone to ruin my second chance at a first "love" I guess. If that's what you want to call it. I just wanted to say sorry. For all the harm I've caused you. For all the pain I've inflicted. I really mean it. I'm sorry about everything. Your mom, him, me, all of it. And there truthfully is nothing I can do to make it all just float away. So I say, I'm sorry. I almost wasn't going to send this to you but my other idea was lame. The reason I am sending this to you is because it's some kind of closure I guess. For me in some stupid way you might not understand. Also because I need you off my mind. And this probably won't do it but, what the hell? So again I'm sorry."

i appreciate the apology you sent, you said everything right.  the only issue is it was the wrong time.  you waited too long, i pushed that too deep. i can never accept your apology for that reason only.  time is a blessing and a curse.  such as my time spent alone, cutting wondering why no one likes me when i'm doing everything i can for them to.  or spending it with my girlfriend now who cares about me and is kind and loving and will be there for me at my darkest points. 
all of this doesn't matter though.
you said what you said and it's over. 
i'm living my life the same way i always have.
without you in it.

update- i actually just found an old suicide note that i wrote and you were in it! crazy. wanna see what i put? here you go:

  I loved you.  Truly.  You were my first love.  I dreamed of being with you one day and you said yes.  I was probably the happiest I had ever been those months.  But you could not commit to anything. And just as everyone else you blew me off for your cousin. This wouldn't be a big deal but you've cut me off to hangout with her at least 10 different times. So I hope hanging out with — is fun and I hope you'll miss me if you even cared enough to begin with.