My Journey with Christianity

Chapter 5: Stepping Out

In the previous chapter, I shared my unyielding pursuit of truth, even when it ventured into taboo or controversial territory. There was a specific book, more contentious than "The God Delusion," that I delved into during this transformative period. Only a select few, my close friends and girlfriend, had glimpsed its contents. It's understandable that they were concerned – from their perspective as devout Christians, my evolving beliefs appeared to be reshaping the very essence of who I was.

This book, authored by Anton LaVey, remains unnamed here, yet it played a pivotal role in my life. Before you jump to conclusions or cast judgments, I implore you to pause, open your mind, and hear my story.

During the time I immersed myself in this book, it illuminated truths I already sensed, enhancing my understanding of individuality, the importance of self, and embracing both love and hate. Contrary to the Christian doctrine of suppressing 'dark' emotions, this book encouraged the acknowledgment and release of these feelings. It taught me the value of expressing anger and hate appropriately, setting boundaries, and engaging in confrontation when necessary. Repressed emotions, I discovered, could manifest as physical and emotional ailments.

Please understand that embracing these emotions doesn't equate to violence or harm towards others; it's about confronting and processing them healthily. As the great psychologist Carl Jung wisely said, "What you resist persists."

Reading this book felt like a homecoming; it reignited my trust in my instincts, empowering me to take charge of my life. With this newfound wisdom, the fatigue that had weighed me down dissipated, replaced by boundless energy. I embraced my individuality, free from the constraints of religion and limiting beliefs.

Then came a pivotal moment when I decided to share my evolving thoughts on Facebook. It was a bold move, given that most of the people in my circle were Christians. My first controversial post declared, "Found the part of me that's an Atheist." It was a statement meant to express my understanding of atheism, not a declaration of a complete identity shift.

This post stirred quite a storm. I received numerous questions, engaging in profound conversations that enriched my perspective. The intention was to encourage understanding by stepping into the shoes of those I sought to comprehend.

To some, this declaration was deeply offensive. They couldn't fathom where I was coming from, and it shook their understanding of who I was. It's human nature to resist change, and I had become a harbinger of profound transformation.

Yet, I had a purpose in my choice of words. Like Jes, I framed my messages in a way that concealed deeper meanings, decipherable only to those willing to listen with an open heart. Sadly, some, like 'Zelda,' reacted with condemnation rather than curiosity.

Zelda even went so far as to wish for a "Damascus experience" for me, referring to the biblical story of Paul's conversion on the road to Damascus. Her words stung, but they revealed the depth of her concern, even if it felt misguided.

This response was expected, but it still stung. The truth was, I was challenging their deeply held beliefs, and many struggled to comprehend my evolving views. Some chose to distance themselves, blocking me, talking behind my back, or even sending judgmental messages. It was disheartening to witness.

Amid this tumult, I decided to play along with their perceptions and adopt the label of an "Atheist" or even an "Antichrist." It acted as a filter, deterring judgmental Christians while revealing the true friends who understood the essence of our bond beyond mere beliefs.

Some Christians chose silence over engagement, missing the opportunity for profound conversations. I couldn't help but wonder what might have transpired if they had approached me with an open heart and inquisitive spirit.

Throughout this journey, two dear friends, Aanu and Sam, stood by my side despite our differing beliefs. Their unwavering support demonstrated the power of true friendship transcending dogma. I cherished their understanding.

In a moment of deep introspection, I found myself sitting down with Jes, the divine presence in my life. With sincerity, I expressed my feelings, "Dad, as much as I love you, identifying as a Christian now feels confining and limiting, sowing confusion rather than offering freedom. I yearn to continue growing unburdened, free from the constraints of assumed rules and beliefs that others have imposed on me due to the Christian title. It no longer represents who I am as a person."

Jes responded with a serene smile and a nod, his words few but filled with understanding - "Very well". There was no earth-shattering revelation, no dramatic epiphany, no Damascus experience, just a simple acknowledgment. In those two words, and the impression that accompanied them, he conveyed unwavering support. He didn't condemn me or attempt to sway me in any particular direction. Instead, he embraced my choice and respected it.

Our relationship remained unchanged, still brimming with love. I felt a profound sense of liberation wash over me. It was the freedom to be true to myself, unburdened by labels, and accepted for who I was at that very moment. I released the weight that had been on my shoulders for far too long.

With gratitude, I smiled and uttered, "Thanks, Jes."