Perfume • Woosan | Ateez

f o u r t e e n

I can't lie a n y m o r e
My heart is so s o r e

•••

OH my god. Oh my god, what did I do? San felt his whole body shivering. He fucked up so, so badly. How could someone even fuck up this bad? When the realization of what he had just done hit him, he felt totally sober for a second. He had just kissed Yeosang. He had just kissed his brother. Sure it wasn't the first time he had kissed one of his foster brothers, but even though Yeosang only lived with them since a little over a year, the shy boy actually felt like Choi San's brother. The first thought that came to his mind was blaming the whole situation on the alcohol in his body, but he couldn't bring himself to tell another lie. He really couldn't do it anymore, he just didn't have the strength to. The way Yeosang was looking at him, while still kneeling in front of him with a hand on the back of his hurting head, was too much for him to handle. The look on his face totally reflected how he himself was feeling in this very moment, which was just absolutely disgusted and at the same time confused. How did he even think of doing something like this?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

San didn't know how long they starred at each other before Yeosang repeated himself. Maybe it was only one minute, maybe five, but the boy still sounded really mad at him and San still didn't know what to do. »San, what is going on with you?«, he asked for a second time. »You've been acting weird for weeks now. All these damn mood swings, the sudden disappearances. You are not acting like yourself«, he stated alarmed. His next words couldn't have hit San harder. »Where is my brother?«, Yeosang breathed out and sounded more serious than ever. San knew that Yeosang had picked up more than he should have these last few weeks, but it was scary to him, that the usual so considerate boy described it like this. It was true though. He himself didn't know, where the usual always smiling, caring, happy Choi San was. And he certainly didn't know this drunk, sad, empty boy, that was leaning against the bathroom wall without anything left to say. »I'm sorry«, San whispered. »I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, I-«, he tried louder, but couldn't speak any further, before many, many tears started streaming down his face after all. He had tried really hard holding back his emotions, but with having Yeosang confront him directly like this, he just couldn't do it. He probably wouldn't have been able to lie even if he was sober in this situation. Yeosang seemed really determined to finally find out what was going on with his room mate and since San didn't have the strength to lie anymore there was only one way this conversation would move along.

Yeosang's demeanor changed immediately though after he realized how shaken San really was. »Don't cry, Sani«, he whispered back worried, while his face softened. Silently he started to caress his arm, while obviously thinking about what to do next. »Do you think you can get up so we can go into our room?«, he asked after a moment of silence. San quickly shook his head. He didn't want to be in his room and in his bed anymore. Up their he was just sad all the time and he didn't want to feel even sadder than he already was. Of course this bathroom didn't hold the best memories as well, but foolishly San felt closer to Wooyoung while leaning against this wall and that made his heart feel just a tiny bit lighter. For a second San thought Yeosang was gonna let this go, but the boy quickly had a second plan in mind. »Stay here then«, he said, while getting up from the cold tiles. »I'm gonna go get you some water and then you can try this again«. San couldn't argue against that even if he knew what to say, so he did the only thing that didn't feel heavy on his body, which was closing his eyes again. He even tried to use the short time he had alone to get this thoughts straight, but he was absolutely sure that Yeosang wouldn't believe another lie, even if he did quickly came up with a good story to tell him after all. The truth was all their was, even though San didn't know the whole truth himself.