Perfume • Woosan | Ateez

t w e l v e

And you are the  r e a s o n
My heart keeps  b l e e d i n g

• • •

I don't want to hurt you, Choi San.

San felt like the air he needed to breathe was sucked out of his lungs and that his body got paralyzed by the words written on the page in front of him. "Why do you have to do this to me?", he whispered with all of the sorrow, that had gathered in his heart since yesterday. Why can't you just talk to me? Why can't you just let me help you? Absolutely exhausted he leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. Suddenly he wasn't so sure about what he felt most anymore. All of his emotions were like a big wave that hid against a rock. He felt sad, he felt angry, he felt disappointed and then at the same time there were the worries, the urge to make sure the boy was all right, the memories of his heart finally beating, when he was around. Yesterday he was sure that he needed to forget all about Jung Wooyoung and his troubles, but now, after reading the words he wrote, San thought about how depressed the boy may feel again right now. At least he is not alone. Wooyoung's words echoed in his head and San remembered the broken boy behind the high walls he had build around himself. The boy who would never ask for help, but needed something, no someone, to remind him that there were good things in this world too. The boy who had tried giving back to him with sharing his favorite place, his kisses and his presence. Who knew what the principal had told him yesterday?

San took a deep breath before jumping over his own shadow and pulling out his phone out of the front pocket of the hoodie he was wearing. This was maybe the hardest thing he ever had to do, since he had no desire at all to be treated like a piece of worthless shit again, but there was just something in his heart, that told him that he was doing the right thing here. The last time he had this feeling and did something he wasn't quiet sure of Wooyoung moved in and showed him how it was like, to like someone. Like really, really like someone. Choi San just strongly felt like he had to try one more time and if he would get nothing out of it, he at least could sleep with a clear conscious and the knowledge, that he had tried everything to help someone he actually really cared about and to also make this work. Because that was what life was about, right? Trying to be the best person you could be and if that meant he had to step out of his comfort zone one more time and risk to be stepped on again, so be it.

San starred at the number of the person he was about to call for a few minutes, before finally dialing it. Now or never,he thought, because maybe later he would change his mind. Instant relief hit him when he heard the ringing, because now he was really glad that he didn't delete Wooyoung's number yesterday. His phone didn't seem to be turned off, since the voice mail didn't turn on immediately like Hongjoong had said. San waited almost five minutes before hanging up the call again, but that Wooyoung didn't pick up didn't change his mind of trying to find the gray haired boy. Yes, he was naive and also watched to many romantic movies, but he just couldn't help but thinking that maybe Wooyoung was sitting somewhere, alone, staring at the phone without knowing what to say to him after picking up. Why else wouldn't he just deny the call? Of course there was also the possibility of him not seeing that someone was calling at all, but Wooyoung was a teenager, who always looked at their phone and it wasn't like him just letting his stuff laying around somewhere. With a sudden feeling of hope San stood up from the bathroom floor, unlocked the door and headed straight for the door that was located between the bathroom and the old office of his grandfather.

He didn't think about knocking before entering, so the sudden sight in front of him made him stop in the middle of his waterfall of words. »Joong I need to talk to you, I-«, he had started, before making the few steps he had already made in back out again and pulling the door shut quickly. Then he just couldn't hold his act up anymore and dropped down on his knees. The sight in front of him had hid him like a memory book. Seonghwa and his brother, sitting on their knees in front of each other, kissing. It felt like someone was actually tearing on his heart. He just didn't understand. Why couldn't that be Wooyoung and him? Why couldn't they be like Hwa and Joong, who were basically one person and nobody could break apart? »Sani«, Hongjoong called out confused, after he had opened the door again and saw his little brother kneeing right in front of it. »Hey, what's the problem? What happened?«, he asked immediately, while squadding down in front of him, to wipe away the sudden tear that was making it's way down Choi San's face. San starring right back at him when he suddenly remembered, that he couldn't show his feelings like this. Ever.