Yesterday I got 2 1/2 hours on the court before my stomach started cramping up. I was already not feeling well to begin with because anxiety makes my belly hurt and I was already overwhelmed and stressed out because my advisor is trying to overcrowd my schedule for next quarter when this quarter was already too frustrating for me. I had to drop two classes because of stress and doing horrible at auditions. I think my orchestra career is done for.
I was already weary as I hit the court but overall I did decent. Today I'm feeling a lot better but still a bit nervous because I have an exam in Law & Justice. The first one I didn't do all too well on. I'm hoping to pass this class and I'm trying my best but I don't know.
Last night my best friend and I talked and cried together. We grieved together. He's being bullied right now and there's nothing more I can do than console him. Last night we were talking, crying together, he was very depressed and I felt his pain. He wanted to die. He wanted to join his late boyfriend and his late friend up there but as he cried, I was suddenly overcome by a wave of emotion. The I felt each of their presence. One by one. They came to us. First his late boyfriend. Then his late friend. Then his late friend who died just 2 months ago in a tragic car accident. Each one of them said to me "You have to live." That message wasn't for me, but for my best friend.
Through the tears I said to my best friend "You have to live. For your late boyfriend. For your late friend. For your late friend who died in a car accident. For you. For me. For your family"
After that I sent him to bed. I felt one last presence come to me and that was Kobe. He was there not for me, but for my best friend as well. Just like last week when I had my attacks, I told my best friend "Remember what you live for."
