Hearts

three

I suddenly burst out laughing while watching Romeo get gas for his car, which caused a few strangers in the gas station to look our way. I covered my mouth and buried my head into Romeo's shoulder.

"I remember," I said into his shirt. "I remember it."

I realized that Romeo had tensed up, so I stepped back to give him his space.

"What do you remember?" he asked cautiously.

"Everything. I cannot believe you failed to mention that we cuddled on some stranger's roof after I tried to kill myself."

As soon as the words flew out of my mouth, I realized that I shouldn't have said them. My friendship with Romeo had ended before I started making jokes about dying to cope with my existence. We didn't share that kind of humor, which I guess is an ironic name for it if it wasn't funny at all.

Romeo shook his head. "Is this supposed to be funny? I almost lost you."

I had known that I almost jumped off of a roof at some point, but I hadn't known what stopped me until Romeo had asked me about it. It was a memory that always lurked at the back of my mind, but I hadn't wanted to remember it.

I shrugged. "I didn't think you would have minded."

Hurt flashed across his face, and I realized that I needed to drop my nonchalant attitude. If Romeo was being serious, then I needed to take this seriously too.

I quickly backpedaled. "Being alive is kinda terrible sometimes, but there are good moments. I like being around for those. So... thanks."

Romeo didn't respond as he tipped the fuel nozzle upside down.

We bought lunch from the gas station and relocated ourselves to a rest area picnic table. As we unwrapped our sandwiches, I considered making a comment about the time I bought fuzzy ham from a deli, but the air was too somber for that.

"Did you really believe that the world would be a better place without you in it?" Romeo blurted out as I was deliberating whether the inappropriate comment was worth the humor.

I ripped open a mayonnaise packet with my teeth and spat out the corner. "Yeah."

It was weird to think about how I shouldn't be here right now, especially after keeping that thought buried in the back of my mind for years. I also was afraid of accidentally admitting that I'd do it again in a heartbeat, even if Romeo wasn't there to save me. What would he be losing? I wasn't worth much.

"I'm glad you're here," Romeo said. "I couldn't have left home if I didn't know that you'd be okay. That's something that I always tried to do. Make sure you'd be okay, I mean."

It was a comforting thought, but I had no particular reason to believe it.

"You're the reason I went to all those parties," he continued. "I wanted to make sure you got through the night so that one day, when I finally got the nerve to talk to you, you'd still be there. And hey, look, we made it."

I still wanted to know why Romeo had let me go, but now, I also wanted to know why he couldn't fully commit to it. A cacophony of words bubbled up inside me, and a collection of questions and confessions swirled around inside my head.

All I could manage was, "I texted you first, idiot."

Romeo nodded. "I know. You've always been the braver one."

"Brave? No. I'm just emotional. All the time."

Romeo smiled lightly. "You have the courage to exist. Are you actually putting soy sauce on your sandwich?"