Hearts

ten

"Hey, you brought the car. Good job."

I rolled my eyes. "What else was I supposed to pick you up in, a carriage?"

Jani climbed into the passenger seat of Romeo's car. "I figured that you were disoriented enough to somehow get here without a car."

We were going to a party together because Jani wanted to, and she didn't trust anyone else to drive her home. She asked me to drive so she could drink, and I had asked Romeo if I should say no. He had told me to go have fun because he was taking a late shift tonight, so here I was.

"The amount of faith you have in me really makes me feel good sometimes," I said as I looked behind us to back out of the parking space. "So, where are we going?"

Jani buckled her seatbelt. "I'll give you directions. Take a left out of this lot." A pause. "Yeah. And just keep going down this road. It'll take a while because of traffic this time of day."

"How long is 'a while'?" I asked.

"I don't know. Depends. Graham, we should talk about everything."

I nodded in reluctant agreement. My conversation with Romeo had been a few days ago, and we were doing better, but we couldn't untangle anything further until I figured out my relationship with Jani. So, we were doing this now. I guess it was good because the sooner we sorted everything, the better I'd feel.

"What are we doing?" Jani asked.

Good question.

"I honestly couldn't tell you," I said. "Are you as confused as I am?"

"I'm confused as to how you're feeling," Jani replied, "which is weird because you express your emotions very well. A little too well. But right now, I'm kinda lost. Take a right up ahead."

"Oh, I'm very lost too," I assured her. "I thought I was figuring life out, but nothing can be that easy."

"You don't like me," Jani said. "I've figured out that much."

"I don't?"

Jani shook her head. "You don't, and you're leading me on. Not on purpose, I think. But come on, you're so in love with Romeo."

"I am?"

Jani smiled a little. "Aren't you?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "Maybe I didn't want to be. I wanted to want to be with you."

"I wanted you to want to too." She laughed. "Did that make sense? It made sense in my head before I said it."

"I guess. Are you mad at me?"

Jani nodded. "I heard this beautiful line once. Yeah. I'm furious, but I'm in love."

"I feel that," I told her. "But not towards you."

"I know."

The seconds of silence that followed were simultaneously relieving and agonizing.

Jani probably just wanted a good boyfriend, I realized. Instead, she accidentally signed up to put up with my shit. And she knew, but she had politely kept her mouth shut up until now.

"I'm sorry."

"I know," she repeated. "First building past this intersection."

I parked, and neither of us made any move to get out of the car. We sat there, alternating between sneaking glances at each other and looking away. Finally, we accidentally made eye contact, and we held it.

"Can I touch you?" Jani asked.

"What?"

"Can I put my hands on your body?"