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I hate myself

I'm in love with my best friend and theres nothing I can do because he loves someone else who in my opinion isn't a good influence on him. He even tells me that their relationship is toxic and complicated. I dated him before but I messed up cause i broke up with him cause I wasnt ready and I honestly lost feelings but they came back and Oh boy they're not leaving any time soon. He knows I like him because I've liked him for a year and a half now. He doesn't want to try dating again which I understand and I don't care if he talks about other girls but it just makes me feel lonely. He tells me when girls come up to him and tells him they like him and I'm like damn right because you're a good guy and you're cute but I'm also thinking, well I like you too and you don't seem to give a care in the world. I know he likes me too because he says he fell for his two best friends which is me and that other girl but I wanna be with him so badly.
But if we were to get back together I'm just afraid that I'll lose feelings again and I honestly don't want to. But since I know we aren't going to get back together I want to lose feelings for him. And yes I want him to hold me in his arms while I fall asleep. I want to wear his sweatshirts that smell like him, and I want to have that longing look in my eyes when he looks at me like I want to kiss him. I want to fall asleep with him while we face time and I want to hang out with him and hear his voice. I dont want to feel sad when he doesn't pay attention to me because I'm not a priority and I know that. I dont want him to be sad and I dont want my girl best friend to hate me for wanting to sit with him and not her sometimes.
He's a little broken and a lot of things happen in his life that I can't control and when he comes to school sad my heart aches for him but I can't do anything to comfort him. I want to though. I want to be the one he wants. But I'm not.
I've accepted that I want what I can't have.
So I'll just love him from a distance and hope to god that one day I finally find someone I love more than him, because you can never stop loving somebody. You just find someone you love more or you never really loved them.