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Mental Breakdown

So I'm Christian. And I went to church camp for the past week. And Wednesday I had one of the most stressful moments of my life.

An update on my sexuality is that I'm pansexual. It doesnt matter to me who you are, if I like you, I like you.

So while at church camp I got really sad cause we had a sermon where we were talking about sexuality and transexual topics. I had a mental breakdown but hid it by talking my leg and chewing on my pen.

Anyways-

Wednesday I was thinking about it and I was kinda sad all day and my youth pastor, who is basically my mom I love her to death, came up to me and wondered why I was sad.

I tried to just say I was tired and wanted to go home but a lot more came out and I admitted a lot to her which I've never told anyone. Things I've been hiding for my whole life which I guess I couldn't keep in anymore. I don't really regret telling her, but the conversation laster about 2 hours.

A lot of crying and emotions were involved and as I said, I admitted a lot.

And we eventually brought up the term of sexuality. And I froze kinda, and set my head on the table and cried  for a minute before I even said anything. And then I told her I was pansexual.

In that moment I was absolutely terrified. I told a strictly Christian woman who dislikes homosexual actions that I've liked a girl and I've dated a girl before.

To my surprise she didn't hate me. She doesn't support it obviously, and she isn't angry or disappointed, but she told me she still loved me and that she wasn't shocked...

I love that she didn't hate me or think any less of me, but SHE WASN'T SHOCKED-

I- That right there shocked me more than her reaction. She just said she had a feeling about a year ago after we had gone out to hang out.

And I just thought she was gonna be so disappointed and hate me and tell me I'm wrong and that I need to be straight. But i was so glad to finally tell an adult.

It was the first time I told and adult I was pansexual because I've been question my sexuality for the past 2 years.

But she hugged me and told me that she would help me through whatever. She is gonna tell her husband who is also my youth pastor and I'm probably gonna have to talk about it with them, which is gonna be another really scary thing, which o also have horrible anxiety, but that's okay.

I admitted a lot of things to her and she cried with me and I cried a lot. A lot of family feelings were admitted and I just felt really sad but eventually I felt better because my bottled up emotions overflowed and now I've got more room to bottle things up until I'm ready to cry again.

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