FANBOY | hyunin ✓

fifteen

The first thing that greeted him when he woke up was bright white fluorescent lights, causing him to instinctively squint. He blinked a few times, his eyes slowly adjusting before finally taking a look at his surroundings and seeing that he was attached to an IV machine.

Jeongin tried to raise his head but the second he lifted his head slightly from his pillow, it felt as though a million drills were drilling into his brain, each one causing him pain.

He had absolutely no recollection of how he ended up there but to be frank, he had no recollection of most of the day that had passed, having been unconscious half the time. To say that he was confused would've been a complete and utter understatement.

He heard distant voices but for some strange reason, couldn't seem to match the voices with their faces although he was certain he had heard their voices before.

The voices got closer and soon enough, the door slid open revealing people who he thought to be his close friends. A wave of guilt washed over him because how did he manage to forget their faces when he had grown up under their care? But just as quickly as he had felt some relief in seeing their familiar faces again, a seed of disgust started blooming in his heart because why didn't they come for him sooner? 

He knew it was unfair to be upset over such a matter but he had felt so scared, so abandoned, by the people he considered his companions. The seed started growing further, planting its' roots right into his heart, plunging deep down into the very core that kept him alive. 

"Jeongin!" Felix was the first to notice the younger boy staring at them but he was also the first to notice how he wasn't smiling. At first, he accounted it to him being tired or just a side effect of the pain medication he was on but then, he met his eyes and saw an unusual fire in them, one that he had not seen in a long while. Blazing and burning, his glare was enough to send chills down Felixs' spine. "Jeongin?"

Woojin made a move to hug the younger boy but was immediately stopped by Jeongin himself. "Why didn't you rescue me?" His question brought up a tension so thick that not even a chainsaw could cut through it. 

"We tried to but you weren't even replying," Seungmin said, rubbing the back of his neck. 

Jeongin looked at the end table to his left and saw his phone sitting atop it, the screen almost completely shattered in every corner. "You...you tried to call me?" he asked, his voice losing the momentary edge it once had and his eyes softening into a look that they all were familiar with. Jisung let out a breath he didn't know he was holding before he placed a hand on Jeongins', a small smile on his face. 

"Of course we'd try. Did you really think otherwise?" he asked, knowing full well that the boy was often paranoid of such things. Jeongin nodded slowly, feeling more and more ashamed that he had blown a fuse and had let harsh comments get to his head. 

He was no longer a child yet as he lay down on the hospital bed, he sure felt like one. He was just as clueless and as naive and emotional as any child was and for that, he felt apologetic for. 

He hated how easily he doubted those that were around him because of such minor things and hated how weak he seemed. He hated how he was so quick to throw a tantrum and how powerless and useless he was without them. He hated how easily he let mean comments override every positive thing he had ever been told and hated how easily provoked he had become.

He hated himself and he hated, no, loathed, that fact about him.

'You will never be enough'. The thought haunted him, mocked him even and yet he couldn't get rid of it as it chose to make a home within his mindspace.