Redeemed

Finale III

AALIYAH

Three months. It’s been three months since I heard the news which caused the accident that left me with a fractured arm and a buttered heart. A month since I buried the love of my life and since I’ve locked myself in his room refusing to get out and witness whatever remains for me in the world. What is left? The one thing that hurts the most is that I never got to meet his son and we never got to know each other. I’ve tried wrapping my head around the fact that I lost someone I love so much when it hadn’t been a year of us dating. Someone who treated me way better than any man I’d ever been with and worshipped the ground I walked on. The only thing that remains of us is the pictures and memories in my mind and heart that haunt me day and night. He’s what I see when I go to sleep and even when I’m seated. he didn’t get to replace Lefa’s ring and the thought alone has me pulling my hair to feel anything but the pain in my heart like it’d listen. How does one move on from this? where does one start? I’ve scratched my head trying to remember who I could have wronged to have karma hit me this hard. Writing has in a way become a coping mechanism for me. I try not too fall apart for the sake of my two bundles of joy who are currently with their father in the cottages. He’s moved into my yard to help me ‘cope’ and he understood when I told him he can’t stay in my house. The kids find it adventurous though and my brave face is always on for the times I do get to be in contact with them. I try not
I have the notepad on my lap as I write another one.
Burying you was never part of the plan. Leaving without goodbye wasn’t it either and I wish I was mad at you for that so it wouldn’t hurt this much. How do I move on from this Zimele? How do I let go of you and pick up the pieces? You’re all you think of and I envision meeting your son and his girlfriend. I see us becoming a family and having more babies but how when you’re not here? My life is stagnant, holding on to the hope of your return when it’s impossible. I’ve prayed to God, begged him to show me a sign, reason maybe of why it happened. Is it because better is coming? But how could it be when you were more than better. What greatness awaits when I’ve never experienced the kind of love you gave and probable never will? I read of Job, of how he lost everything and got back twice more than he had and somehow can’t see how he even survived. Sure, God gives His toughest battles to his strongest soldiers, but this God doesn’t take what He’s given. His word tells us every good gift is from above which brings me to the question of why you? Why Christopher and why his girlfriend? Why did fifty people have to die in a plane crash? Why did you leave me? I told Aly and Russell that you’re now an angel guiding our lives and protecting our spirits, but I wished someone could have protected you. I can’t help but think of the pain you felt before your spirit left your body, the impact the crash might had on Christopher’s body and yours and yet it fails to provide me some comfort. Why did I rush you? Why couldn’t I just leave and rather spend some time abroad with you guys because I wouldn’t have lost you? I wish a time would come when you’ll read this and all these questions will get answers.

I wipe my tears with my hand after putting the notepad away. I always write whenever something comes to mind yet from the day I started, I still don’t have the courage to go through all of it again. Somehow, it’ll be like experiencing it all again, so I lack courage for that. My door cracks open and my mom gets in. how did I forget to lock it even?
Mom: “It’s your brother’s wedding today. We thought it’d be good for you to go out and not miss it.”
Me: “(lowly) You thought wrong.”
Mom: “(softly)You can’t just stay locked up in here baby.”
Me: “I buried my man. I just buried my man and it’s wrong for me to mourn him?”
Mom: “Liyah”
Me: “(bellows) No mom. No one fucken knows what I’m going through right now so keep your fucken opinions to yourself!”
Mom: “Lashing out isn’t going to help.”
Me: “Leave my house.”
Mom: “I’m not going anhywhere. Siya postponed his wedding for you. It’s been three months and surely now you should be thinking of other people who care about you instead of being in this dark room and isolating yourself from people who want to be there for you and help you get through this. I have your dress.”
Me: “I didn’t ask him to postpone it for me and if he wanted to get married, he would have just done it.”
Mom: “Stop being selfish. He wants his only sister to be one of the witnesses to his union to that cougar, hate that bitch but she unfortunately makes my son happy.”
Me: “I’ll send a gift for thme but that’s it. Now please leave my room.”
Mom: “(sighs) Then you leave me no choice.”
I don’t think much of it as she leaves, deciding to cry myself to sleep because I miss him more now than the other days. The door yet again bursts open and upon hearing Aly’s voice, it then clicks. Of course, she’s going to use my kids knowing I can’t say no to them. We’ve hardly went out, more like never since I’m always confined in my room in Zimele’s clothes and sniffing his cologne every minute so I can feel more closer to him. I don’t want him to be just in my heart. I want him here and that can’t be asking for too much.
Aly: “(hands me a white envelope) From daddy. Mom, get ready.”
I put the envelope away and with an unwilling heart, go into the shower. They’re dressed up a notch in all white, Aly in an umbrella dress while Russ is in a tuxedo and they both look amazing.
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GINA