Warnings: self-harm in detail (i.e., thinking about how to do it, descriptive writing)
A few days later...
~Patton's POV~
I was in my room, having a really rough morning for some reason. 'have you considered self-harm yet?' Remus's words came back to me.
Well... 'why not join in the fun?' It doesn't have to be with a blade, right? Or.. 'it might help you feel better~' It doesn't have to bleed. Then it's not a big deal. Right..?
So.. Like plastic maybe? Or a pencil. That wouldn't make me bleed, I don't think. How does this work? Do you just, is it sideways or.. I think it is.
So, that's what I did; it hurt, but it didn't make it bleed or nothing.. Just left marks that I need to figure out how to hide. It can't be that hard. Wearing my jacket might be too obvious though, wouldn't it?
Maybe, since they're not that noticeable from a distance, it'll be okay. I can't let anyone find out about this; I know it's wrong but.. It's not bleeding so it's fine..
There was a knock on my door. What time is it? 8:21 already?! Oh, stars, no, I usually have breakfast ready by now!
"Uh, yes?" I call out. "Patton, are you okay-" I hear Logan say as I open the door. "Yep! Just overslept, has everyone eaten?" I ask, making Logan blink in surprise.
"Yes," He says slowly, looking at me as if I was a puzzle. Well, he usually likes puzzles; I doubt he likes me-
"But your behavior lately has me concerned.." He says, cutting off my thoughts. Cutting. Hah..
~Logan's POV~
Patton didn't seem to really register what I said. He made eye contact, so he was listening, but he never responded. He then seemed to go into his thoughts, and his expression changed to one of what I can only describe as a mix between guilt and numbness.
Yeah, that had me concerned.
"Patton?" I ask, and his eyes come back up to meet my own. "Oh, right, sorry Logan. Why are you worried about little ole' me?" He asks, smiling in a way I could tell was forced; it was small compared to his usual smiles, and his eyes didn't really convey the same emotion his mouth was trying to.
And help me; what is this feeling I suddenly have? Seeing him like this.. It's making my chest feel heavy. Though that's absurd; there's nothing on it that would weigh me down. Regardless, it feels like there is..
"Because, Patton, lately, you've been showing signs of depression, and-" I start, noticing him tense slightly before interrupting me.
"What? No! I'm fine, Logan! I'm not depressed. If this is about the break up, I told you I'd be fine! I mean, it's been a month, almost two right? I'm fine.." He says, though I don't think he realizes how his body language betrayed his words.
"No, this exactly what the problem is, Patton!" I say sternly, wanting him to listen to me. He looks at me, slightly taken aback. "I-i'm sorry?" He says.
"You're avoiding any and all discussion about it, and you just keep insisting that 'it's fine' or that 'you'll get over it', but Patton, it is okay to grieve about things like this!" I tell him.
"Well how would you know?! You didn't even cry when it happened, Logan! What place do you have to talk about emotions?!" He lashes at me, making me stop. He's right; I never cried. I never have.
Those statements caught me more off guard than I had prepared to be. But I have to reply; I haven't said anything for almost a minute now.
"Patton, you should know by now that I do not express emotions like you do. Which is logical; you're the heart, I'm the left brain. What do you expect from me?! But just because I personally don't show them doesn't mean I don't know of them! You do realize I'm the reason Thomas knows the things he does, right?! I researched emotions too, Patton and I-.."
I shouldn't say what I was about to. that's too harsh. I'm being way too harsh, I can already tell by his expression.
"... Just wanted you to know that I'm aware of the topic.. I'll be in my room." I tell him, walking away. For some reason, I couldn't move my eyes from the ground. I shouldn't have yelled at him, I just wanted to help..
It doesn't matter. I just need to cool off and then I'll be able to have a calm conversation with him.
Why do I feel like crying? I never cry. What is it about that conversation that bothered me so much..?
~Patton's POV~
Logan was being strict with me, and I'm not sure how to feel about it.. I know he just wants me to talk, but what's there to talk about?
I shouldn't have said what I did.. How do I know Logan doesn't have emotions too?! He's shown emotions like anger, pride, and even compassion at some points...
Oh, what a father figure I am..
I look at my arm, scraped but not bleeding. Why does this feeling make me want more? Make me want to do more? I mean, a few more couldn't hurt, right? I mean, there are some spaces...
Just a couple more, just... To shut this voice up. The voice telling me to do it. Just a couple to shut it up. Besides, it's not like I'm actually cutting..
One of them overlapped another, which hurt a little bit, but it's fine.. I sigh, setting it down and sitting against my wall.
And start crying.
Gosh, am I really hurting that much? Has it really gotten to the point Deceit and Remus warned me about? Well, why should I care? They don't care.
But is this what sets off the downward spiral? It can't be. I'm not making it bleed or anything, if it's not bleeding, it's fine! Besides, it should go away in a few hours, right?
No one has to know...
