so much more than a fan - billie eilish

you made me wanna pray, but i think god's fake

title: 6.18.18 - billie eilish 

elizabeth's POV

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no.

it can't be true.

fuck.

no.

i run down the stairs and grab elle by the arm, pulling her back upstairs while trying not to let everyone see that i'm crying, clutching the letter in my hand. we get up to my room and i hug her tightly and let it all out. several seconds later billie rushes in and wraps her arms around both elle and i. "what's going on liz?" elle asks. i sniffle and hold onto her even tighter and she rubs my back. "what happened?" billie asks. all i can do is hold up the letter with a shaky hand, keeping the other wrapped around elle. i don't know who but someone takes it from my hand. i keep my face buried in elle's stomach and cry into it. "shit." billie whispers in a sad tone. "i'm so sorry liz. this sucks." elle says in a tone full of pity and sadness. "i j-j-just wanna know if he's o-okay" i stutter through sobs. "you want me to call him?" billie asks. "mhm." i nod. 

i couldn't do it myself

just knowing that he may not answer scares me worse than anything else

knowing there's a possibility that he's really...

gone.

i take out my phone and find ethan's contact before handing the phone to billie. "maybe i should go into the hall." billie suggests. "yeah, that's probably a good idea" elle agrees. "o-okay." i sniffle. she walks out into the hallway and shuts the door behind her, leaving only elle and i sitting on my bed. "it's okay liz. it's alright." she shushes me soothingly. "but what if it's not? imagine losing the only person that understands what you're going through? your best friend. i know i've only known him a few days, but he's my billie." i explain, trying to keep in sobs. 

it's true. 

i see the way that billie looks at elle, that's the way ethan looks at me. 

the way billie treats her is exactly how ethan treats me, with only love and respect.

just the way they instantly clicked when they first met, that's what happened between ethan and i. 

billie's told me many times that the moment she met elle, she knew she loved her and wanted to spend the rest of her life with elle. that's how i feel about ethan, and i know he feels the same way about me. 

i just want him to be okay.

that's all i want.

please.

take me, not him.

billie comes back in with the phone in her hand. "listen lizzy. this is gonna be hard to hear but i'm just gonna say it. he's not fully gone, but they're losing him down there. i just spoke with his mom and he's not doing great. i'm really sorry i had to be the one to tell you this and i can't believe the words i'm saying are actually true but sadly they are." billie explains, obviously trying not to cry, though her voice breaks several times. 

i couldn't say anything back.

i just felt like i was falling.

like the darkness had truly closed in.

everything went dark.

please god, take me instead of him.