so much more than a fan - billie eilish

i fall apart

title: i fall apart - post malone

elizabeth's POV

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"w-what?" billie asks with a look of confusion and a slight bit of anger on her face. "he's been trying to get in contact with me" i explain. "for how long?" she asks. i bite my lip and look down at my lap. "how long elizabeth?" billie raises her voice. "three days." i respond in a quiet voice, ashamed of how long i've hidden it. "three days and you didn't tell anyone? what the fuck elizabeth? we need to know these things!" she yells. "i-i'm sorry" i sniffle as my eyes well up with tears. "i'm sorry i yelled, but this is serious stuff lizzy. you know that." she lowers her voice and rubs my arm up and down. "i know." i nod, wiping tears before they fall. "i have to tell your mom. you know that, right?" she asks. "i know." i say so quietly that i'm surprised she even heard me. "i'm sorry lizzy. i love you." she sighs and hugs me. "i love you too." i tell her, hugging her back and letting the tears pour from my eyes.

billie comforts me until i stop crying and eventually leaves. i stay in my room and hide under the covers, waiting silently for mum to come upstairs. whether she may be furious or in tears i don't know. i hear someone knock on my door, wait a few seconds and then come in. there is a dip in the bed and the covers are lifted up. "elizabeth, you gotta talk to me." mum's voice says. "i'm sorry." is all i can get out. "i wish i could say it's okay, but that would only teach you to continue this behavior. you need to tell me these things so i can deal with it." she responds. "i know." i whisper. i avoid eye contact at all costs as she tries to catch my eye. "come here" she sighs, wrapping her arms around me. "you know i'll do anything to protect you, right?" she asks in a calming voice. "i know." i nod. "next time, if there is one, tell me right after it happens. i don't want you having to deal with this all by yourself." she orders. "okay." i sniffle. "i love you." she tells me and kisses the top of my head. "i love you too." i whisper.

a few minutes later mum leaves and elle comes in. she doesn't say a word, she just lays down beside me and holds me in her arms. i hug her tightly and let out everything i held in when mum came in. i sob into her shirt and she rubs my back, shushing me soothingly. i can tell she's trying to hold in tears as she lets out shaky breaths. i scoot even closer to her and she hugs me a bit tighter. several minutes go by and i hear the door open and close. there is a divot in the bed behind me and arms around me. i turn my head and see billie with her eyes shut as she cuddles me. i turn back to elle and see she is asleep but billie has her hand against her cheek, running her thumb along it slowly.

i close my eyes and let the salty air engulf me. it's strange, the atmosphere once you finish crying. the air is thicker and everything seems so much quieter. it's like everything is asleep. still. like after a snow storm. when everything is quiet. snow actually absorbs sound, which is why it's so quiet after it snows. that's so cool to me. i don't know why. but as i was saying, everything is so much quieter after you cry. it's like the world understands that you're going through something and just.... stops. the entire room, the entire house, is just quiet. not a sound.

crying is a crazy thing if you truly think about it. a torrid ocean emerges from your gut and explodes into the abyss through your eyes. breath escapes you. a weight presses on your diaphragm and your heart does the triple time step. when worded like that, it sounds kinda horrifying. but i guess that's the point.

five things happen when you cry. the endocrine system sends hormones that release tears, your body goes into fight or flight mode, a phantom lump appears in your throat, you release toxins through the tears you cry psychic tears and obviously you signal to other people that you're not doing okay. there are actually three types of tears: psychic, basal and reflex. basal tears are meant to serve the eye, reflex tears are the result of irritation to the eye and psychic tears are emotional.

obviously i know a lot about crying, i just can't figure out why everything is so quiet afterword. i don't know if anyone really knows. it's a strange thing to think about. but then again, the world is filled in strange things to think about.

like an abusive father

cancer in teenagers

so many things

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a/n: why do i write stuff that makes me cry? and makes you guys cry?

i guess i'm just that mean.

you should go check out my other story, the brit in bio. all the cool kids are reading it 🥺👉🏼👈🏼