My fingers shake as the last button gives me trouble. With frustration i let go of it and hold onto the dresser as i feel the next wave of emotion hit. I take a deep breath and try to accomplish something today. The headache from bottle of alcohol still runs through my veins. Buttoning the last of them i slip on the suit jacket and look in the mirror. The all black suit brings out the pale skin due to the lack of food and darkness around my eyes from only getting 3 hours of sleep this week, so much reminds me of her. Looking at certain colors, TV ads, sounds, even foods; she's everywhere but not. There's not a day that goes by i don't cry, i don't hurt, i don't miss her. I beg for her to come back, i beg to wake up from this nightmare. I haven't eaten, slept, nor answered the phone for a week. There's nothing without her. It's empty, I'm empty.
I step out of the guest room across Evangeline's room, i dreaded going into the one place i know i'd crack but i need this, i need to remember her smell, her smile, just her. No amoount of alcohol could prepare me for the pain i'm about to feel. The same creak we've heard a thousand times when her door opens begins the tear to the rope that is holding me together. The scent of jolly ranchers hit me and i remember how she'd light the candle when ever we came in here. Her wall of memories still as i remember it. Polaroid pictures of us practically every time we went somewhere. I take down the first one we took.The day i took Evan to my hide out by the beach. The next when i took her to the school ball. She gave me her first kiss and i gave her mine. The shelf on the wall that holds her many scrapbooks tempt me and I take the one i haven't seen yet and sit on her bed.
The date on the cover is from the day i left for boot camp. We may not share the same life but we still are together. Her hand writing perfect and messy all in one. I turn the page and Evan is sat with Liz the first time they met, the next has One Direction's X-Factor pictures, the book pages take turns from her life to One Direction's. Pictures and photo copied tickets through the book make the tears prick at my aching eyes. The last page holds and envelope with my name on it and i can feel i'm on the edge.
Opening the envelope dried rose pedals fall out and the stem has a note on it. Friends can take friends to the ball right? I remember giving the rose to Evan our first ball. When i open the letter it's the picture of us on our frist day of school. Awkwardly standing next to each other smiling like idiots. I take a deep breath as i begin to read.
Bet you're wondering where this came from. Remeber when we were at the fair and you made me hold your hand when we were on the ferris wheel and you ended up having a panic attack? I do, i was so embarrassed when they had to have the ambulance wheel me to the back of the fair. Remember when i told you it was going to be alright that i'll always be by your side, then you laughed because you said it'd given you a great idea for a song? If you don't then this is awkward, just like us. I never told you this but it was the day i fell in love with you, i loved you before but you know how stubborn i am i had to deny it but that day it just clicked. My favorite memory was when we were trapped in the middle of nowhere when you ran out of gas on our way to spring vacation and we ended up sleeping in the car because we had to wait for your parents to get there. That day we slept under the stars and i lied in your arms. I wanted to tell you how i felt that night but i was so afraid, i regret it everyday. No, i wipe the tears remembering that was the day i was going to make the move, we loved each other. If i or when the day comes, i die i want you to take the chest that's under my bed. It has a lock but i think you know exactly where the key is. I love you Zayn, forever and always. -Evan
I hurry off the bed and forget my suit getting wrinkled. I crouch down and pull the handle and slide the box out. The old lock we got from our favorite trinket store hangs at the buckle. I pull out the key necklace around my neck with her initials on it and push it into the small lock. Easily it turns and the hook opens. I sit back and set the box on my lap. Opening the sticker covered lid i feel the tears coming down. The pain in my chest grows and i can't keep the sobs quiet as i pick up the tiny hearts and each has a date on them. I used to make her hearts out of the gum wrappers and give them to her. The writing on the lid says Now you have all of my heart. I close the box and bring my knees to my chest and let it out.
"Evan please, please come back." I rock back and forth. "Please Evan I'm sorry, I-," I flinch when i feel a hand on me and i see Mrs. Sane. She sits on the floor with me and holds me as i can't stop the tears.
"We need to leave Zayn it's time."
***
I'm next in line to say last words to her. The crowded lawn is filled with sniffles and whispers. Old school friends and teachers, family and unknown relatives, everyone who ever met her was impacted by her personality. I walk up to her softly laid body in my favorite black dress she has. Her hands hold red roses on her stomach and i tuck the loose strand of hair from her shoulder making the locket necklace visible and i make sure i still have my key around my neck. I reach into my pocket and take out a small heart, one from the box and rest it under her finger. "Now you have a piece of my heart." I whisper and the priest directs me to the stand.
"I thought i'd never see this day. I wish i never had to but it doesn't always go as planned. Last week i lost a best friend, a loved one, my other half." I look up for a moment and see her parents suppressing their crying, my mother holding onto my sister, and the guys bowing their heads. "Evangeline was the the best person i could have ever meet and in the last moments i had with her i wish i told her more. Evan as some of us know her by, impacted a lot of us and we'll always remember the girl you could always find either losing herself in a concert, playing football even on rainy days, and most of all the girl who lit up every ones day." I take a deep breath and wipe the falling tears. "I'm going to miss her and i think i could say the same for all of us. We all saw Evangeline and the strong one and that's what she was. A fighter, a joker, and most of all a best friend." I turn to her open cascet, "We love you and we'll miss you."
This is it.
This is it.
