This life is a paradox
You're the only one who saw the real me, yeah
This love is a paradox
You're the only thing that almost killed me
When I first locked eyes with you I knew you could truly see everything about me. You looked at me like you knew what I've been through but then you rejected my handshake like it was nothing. Like I was nothing.
When I locked eyes with you at the manor I instantly knew it was you, at that moment I had a choice to make let my family know it's Harry Potter we've captured and let you die in front of me or lie and let my father punish me. I chose the latter, I'd always choose the latter when it comes to you.
Just like a desert needs a flood
I still need your love
No matter what, I'll hold my ground
Even if I'm drowning, yeah
I always needed your attention. You never gave me positive attention, you never smiled at me or said hello so I resorted to pretending to hate you so that I'd get attention even if it's the wrong kind. And when you finally looked at me with anger in your eyes and harsh words spouting from your lips I knew I succeeded cause at those times I had your undivided attention, no one not even Ginny could stop you from gazing at me with those eyes.
It's just the nature of keeping you close
It's the ones you care for
That will hurt you the most
Nothing drops me from so high
You leave me fighting for my life
The second the hat screamed "Gryffindor" I knew we wouldn't have been friends. If my father found out that I was friends with a Gryffindor even if it is the chosen one I'd have been kicked out. But I couldn't not be close to you, I needed you, the second I met you I knew I couldn't bear to be without you. I was on the wrong side of the war, I wish my love for you would overcome my fear of upsetting my family but it sadly didn't. I wasn't strong enough to defy the Malfoy name and I wasn't strong enough to do what my mother did for you that day in the Forbidden forest. She saved your life. Yes, I lied to protect you in the manor but who am I kidding I wasn't even convincing enough.
Out of all the times I've opened up
You're the only one who saw the real me, yeah
Out of all the stupid things I've done
You're the only thing that almost killed me, yeah
This life is a paradox
You're the only one who saw the real me, yeah
This love is a paradox
You're the only thing that almost killed me
I remember that night when you found me crying in the bathroom and I panicked and ended up fighting you. I wish I was strong enough to tell you why I was crying but I was an idiot and it ended with me bleeding out on the ground. I nearly died that night, I wish I did. It would have been better dying that night by your hands as you'd have been the last thing I saw rather than living and having the world hate me and seeing you happy with the weasley girl. You saw me truly vulnerable which no one has seen. You saw me at my worst and you tried helping but I lashed out why wasn't I strong enough to let you help me? I wonder what would've happened if I told you I didn't want to follow the dark Lord. Would you have accepted me? Would you have understood? Dumbledore would have lived but I was too weak.
Yeah, you kiss me when I'm down
And you suck the poison out
Then you make me sick again
'Cause you've got the medicine
My love for you is killing me. Seeing you with her is destroying me slowly. You saved me in the requirement room from the Fiendfyre that Crabbe foolishly created. I never expected you to come back and save me but you did. You were kind to me and you had no reason to be so kind. Even after the war when everyone has shunned me you've been constantly nice to me which I didn't expect especially because of how I treated you. Seeing you with my wand that day sent a thrill down my spine that was my wand and you were using it with an ease like it's always been yours, you used the wand like you've used my heart effortlessly and as if it's meant to be.
It's just the nature of loving you, boys
It's the ones you fight for
That will conquer your world, ooh
I thought for a long time my love for you wouldn't be a problem, I could just hide it behind harsh words but I was wrong - like most things I was wrong. Seeing you dead in Hagrid's arms broke me. I couldn't breathe, and then my father called out for me and I had to go embrace the one who killed you. I'm a traitor to my family and to you. But then you jumped out of his arms and it felt like maybe it'll be okay in the end. Oh who am I kidding? It would never be okay for me, I'm a disgrace of a wizard.
Out of all the times I've opened up
You're the only one who saw the real me, yeah
Out of all the stupid things I've done
You're the only thing that almost killed me
This life is a paradox
You're the only one who saw the real me, yeah
This love is a paradox
You're the only thing that almost killed me
This life is a paradox
You're the only one who saw the real me, yeah
This love is a paradox
You're the only thing that almost killed me
The first time I saw you after the war was when we were rebuilding Hogwarts, it was part of my punishment for my participation in the war but you were there to simply help. You didn't need to help anymore your job in the prophecy was over, you won the war. But you still came and helped rebuild the castle. You used every bit of your magic to restore it to its original glory. You continued helping for the memorials and everything afterwards. You didn't even let yourself grieve for the people you lost in the war. You've lost the most out of all this: right from your birth to now. But you let others cry on your shoulder and ignored the pain you felt. You're too good for me and even if there was a chance somehow you loved me back I could never take it. I'm not enough for you.
I'm bracing for the worst
And hoping for the best
Trying to make sense of
The madness in my head
You were in the ministry of magic when my family was on trial. And you defended my mother, you helped save her. She wasn't sentenced to Azkaban like my father was. Her punishment was house arrest. Despite everything my family and I have put you through for the one act of kindness my mother bestowed upon you, you helped reduce our punishments. I say our punishments because you testified for me too. I wasn't sentenced to Azkaban either. All because you have a pure heart inside of you.
It's the problem with keeping me close
The people you hold on to
Are the ones who let go
All I can do right now is be the person I should have been, the person I could have been for you. Be the person I was not strong enough to be. Help others, reform my ways and atone my sins.
This life is a paradox
You're the only one who saw the real me, yeah
This love is a paradox
You're the only thing that almost killed me
You're the only one who saw the real me, yeah
You're the only thing that almost killed me
There's many things I did wrong especially when it comes to you. I was greedy and impulsive and sought to hurt you for your rejection when I should have apologised and extended an olive branch. I did many things wrong but looking into your eyes the first time we met was not one of them. I regret my life but I don't regret lying that day in the manor. Especially if it made you see me in a different light.
Just to clarify this book won't have regular updates but whenever I feel like it. Apologies xx
